Be Silent Be Deadly Be Winners

This was the first game of the rest of Big Sexy’s life. His first “official” game with his new team after the Bad Gnus declared (moral) bankruptcy. His whole world felt kinda weird. Though he had played with this wonderful group of guys before, under some of their previous naming incarnations (Ahern Construction, Last Call, Off Regularly, B Diddy and the Funky Bunch),  this was different. Warming up with Rob, who was wearing his grey Ahern shirt while Big Sexy was wearing his own black t-shirt was so much less colorful than the last time he warmed up with Erik before the last Bad Gnus game. There wasn’t any blue/purple/green tie dye to brighten up the already sunny evening. Though this team is full of current and future friends, this wasn’t the same band of brothers that have played together since he had a full head of hair and had a history of winning and losing to each team at Arden Park in every way possible.

The wind was strongly blowing toward the tennis courts on a warm Spring evening as BSBD warmed up, counted heads and scanned the parking lot. Whether that ocular search was for the 10^th player to arrive or to see what scrumptious post game treat lovely Sarah would bring was completely up to the individual. The opposing team was salivating thinking of all of the tree-shots they would smash deep into left field, while Big Sexy was salivating after hearing rumors of chocolate-peanut butter rice crispy treats.

When word game from Greggy O that Mike would take his usual position at third base, he was understandably a little nervous. Not seeing a ground ball in 9 months and with his balky knee and undiagnosed shingles causing enough pain over the last two months to make him consult his drivers license to see if he could get a discount at the movies, had lowered the confidence a tad.

After a relatively quiet top of the first, BSBD they took the field against one of the top teams in all of Arden Park. The T Sox have evolved from “Greg Young’s Team” that hangs out with the Bad Gnus around the middle of the standings table, to an annual powerhouse through the continual acquisition of softball talent. Chief among those acquisitions is third baseman and clean-up hitter Kirby, whose powerful left handed swing used to be a mainstay of the Ahern crew.

The first batter for the T Sox is their powerfully built left fielder. Dude looks like he picked his softball fashion after watching Win Financial a couple years back, but he does appear to be an excellent player. On the first pitch, he knocked all of the nervousness out of Big Sexy by drilling a one hopper that needed to be fielded to protect the ever-lower hanging plums. Thankfully, the glove still worked. That led to a quick 1-2-3 inning.

Paul, after flipping a coin to decide which side of the plate to stand, knocked in the first RBI of the game by placing a nice single into center field to plate Mike with the first run of the game. Paul would later come around to score and stake BSBD to a 2-0 lead that would hold up for the first 3 innings. The desperation then started to sink in for the heavily favored T Sox. They picked up GT to fortify their outfield after playing with only 3 outfielders to begin the game. There were grumblings that this mid-game pick-up made not to avoid a forfeit was a breach of beer league softball etiquette.

In the 4^th inning, the T Sox finally solved Paul and the excellent BSBD defense and plated 3 runs to take a 3-2 lead. This low scoring game was surely to be decided by a timely hit and defense. In the top of the 5^th, that timely hit came. Scotty Mac drilled a ball into the jet stream and watched it nearly end up at the fence line next to the basketball court, a quarter of a mile from home plate. The hits kept coming.  Greggy O drilled a ball to center that the center fielder couldn't catch up to for an extra base hit. Young Kyle reached the basketball court, nearly on a fly.

However, the spectacular BSBD defense was the key to this game. Robbie covers more ground at short than cat fur in a hoarders living room. Mark is a shortstop who happens to be playing second base. Big Sexy didn't screw anything up. B Diddy made several nice plays at first and the outfield hauled in everything hit in the air. There were no less than three double plays turned including a third to first to home number that required a lightening turn by B Diddy and a great dig by Rob. The last DP was a beautiful Enos to Ahern to Chance number over the top.

All of that awesomeness culminated in a 7-4 victory. There will be many more victory beers to be enjoyed this season if this team plays that well each week. Coors Light tastes much better in victory. Seems more like a punishment after a loss.

A new team brings a new sponsor the player of the game award. The Shiner Bock player of the game easily goes to the McMurray family. Not only did Scott play flawlessly in the field and had the games biggest hit. He brought beer AND Coors Light for the team to enjoy afterward. However, he needs to share the honor with Sarah, not just because she bought treats that only Don’t Panic would enjoy more than we did, but she was very vocal and supportive to the whole team, even those she had never met before. Way go Scott and Sarah. This Shiner Bock is for you!

Bad Gnus are Back and Badder Than Ever!!

The poet laureate of the1970's once howled, It has been a long time since we rock and rolled. The Bad Gnus last took the field in September of 2011. Back when gas was $3.60 a gallon, the Dow Jones was in the upper 12,000's, the Republicans were all angry about one thing or another and my left knee ached when I tried to run. So basically everything is exactly the same! Same as it always was. You can re-live the conclusion of our last season directly below this post, since I am sure most of you have forgotten any bad times and only remember all of the positive and happy times we spent at Arden Park.

The good news for the Bad Gnus at the start of our 21st year, is that we control our own destiny. The season is a blank canvas waiting for us to explore our own creativity and talent. Will we create an impressionist masterpiece the likes of which would make Monet want to swim in his own pond of lily pads? Will make some kind of crazy three booobed, one eyes cubist freakshow that would make Picasso sport wood? Or will we splooge all over the canvas in a variety of colors and hang in on a wall that would have Jackson Pollack want to trash his apartment? That is the wonderful thing about Opening Day. Endless possibilities!

The schedule below will list the time and date of each game, but more importantly, it will call out the Chosen One. He will be the host for the game, bringing refreshments to the Gnus to savor after 55 minutes of mostly standing around. That can work up a thirst. Onto the schedule...

Monday, July 2 - 7:00 vs. Young Guns

Sure, these guys won the Spring League. Sure, they tried to get league cred by jumbling the letters of our last name. Sure, only Teen Sexy is within 7 years of age of any of their players. But we have experience!

Host: Big Sexy

Tuesday, July 10 - 7:00 vs. Don't Panic

There it is. Don't Panic has been trying to go younger, but they are still recruiting at the local head shops. 7:00 is too late in the day for them. You do not want to play them at 4:20.

Host: Erik Grotte

Monday, July 16 - 6:00 vs. Longshots

I do think this is the same group that drinks behind a gas station next to a Pub. Newest team in the league vs. the Gnuest team in the league.

Host: Greg Blom

Tuesday, July 17 - 6:00 vs. T-Sox

This team has been the new cream of the league over the last couple of years, but we'll be loose from playing two days in a row.

Host: Greg Thiesen

Tuesday, July 24 - 7:00 vs. Ahern

Here it is... The game I always want more than any other. Cancel any vacation plans you have for this weekend. Make sure to come to the park by 4:00 for practice. We are taking these guys down this year. A whole year of bragging rights is at stake!

Host: John Calderon

Tuesday, July 31 - 6:00 vs. Long Islanders

I played a game for the Islanders this Spring. They are like the Gnus without the cool shirts, killer personalities, hot wives and tasty ice chests.

Host: Clayton Smith

Tuesday, August 7 - 6:00 vs. Silver Bullets

Another game with 4 possible outcomes: We blow them out. They blow us out. We win a thriller. We lose a heart-breaker. Make sure to check out these gripping theater.

Host: Ted Messner

Tuesday, August 14 - 7:00 vs. Hanks

The Hanks aren't what they once were but they are still remarkable talented for a, ahem, mature group of fellas.

Host: Pete Nixon

August 20-21  - First Round of Single Elimination Tourney

Could be against any team at any time! This may also coincide with a Bad Gnus end of the year picnic.

Host: Howard Hughes

Can't wait to get this season going! Please let me know as far in advance as possible of any games you may not be able to attend. See you at the Park!

Boat-Raced in the Playoffs

Another Bad Gnus season has come to an end. The final game of the season was a somewhat bittersweet night. It is always great to get on the field with the fellas on a lovely, late summer night and toss the ball around. But knowing it would be the last night like this for 6 months is a bummer.


Going into the game against the defending champion T-Sox, there wasn’t much reason to look ahead on the bracket schedule to see when the next game in the tournament was being held. There was a time when the T-Sox where in the same class of beer league softball teams with us. That class also included the Long Islanders and the Silver Bullets.

Both the Long Islanders and the T-Sox have upped their recruiting the University of Miami levels. They persuaded Kirby to leave Ahern for the T-Sox and feature several new, athletic players. I imagine their recruitment party was held on some swanky yacht, cruising slowly on the Delta. Greg Young making it rain Pac Man Jones-style around the strippers hired for the event. Sky box seats at Rivercats games being thrown around for outfielders who can hit .800 and gun down unsuspecting 40 year olds at home if they dared test their cannon.

There are plenty of good guys still on the T-Sox. Those guys all date back to the days when the Bad Gnus would win half of their games. However, one their new guys have shot up one of my Top 5 lists with a bullet. There is a new member of the Top 5 A-Holes in Arden Park Softball league. That list hasn’t been dusted off for quite some time. It appears that the Top 5 guys on the list all where members of Win Financial. Atop the list was their Bro pitcher memorialized in this post from two years ago. http://badgnus.blogspot.com/2009/06/boom.html

The new object of my distaste is the left-center fielder from the T-Sox. Here is a Richard that certainly saw this game as the athletic highlight of his life. He is the epitome of “Softball Guy”. He is playing this game and every game as if it was game 7 of the World Series. I’m sure if his coach in high school didn’t have a vendetta against him, he’d be playing left field for the Giants this weekend. He even had his cheek full of dip to make this Monday night at Arden Park as close to the Monday night at Fenway Park he should be having. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing eye black to combat the setting sun.

It has long been a Bad Gnus tradition to throw behind runners. A lot of times it doesn’t even matter if there is a play there. It’s just fun. In this instance, there actually was a play. After another T-Sox hitter hit a line drive base hit to left field, Softball Guy rounded second aggressively, because he’s looking to go first to third on a base hit directly at our left fielder. Howard sees this as an opportunity for a needed out and tries to throw him out at second. The ball hits softball guy, who then was ready to take off for third if not for the good catch by second baseman, Teen Sexy.

After Softball Guy scored, he was paced back and forth on his bench, complaining and cursing loudly to any teammate that would listen to him about the play. This was followed by him popping off to a very surprised Howard as he was jogging off the field. Howard had no idea what he said or why he would be angry. Howard is a good natured, Bad Gnu through and through. I had to tell him what the kerfuffle was even about. I only knew because I witnessed Softball Guy’s grousing from my perch at third base.

About the game… the Bad Gnus started off with a run, but the offense let them down the remainder of the game. The 1 run lead did not last long. The T Sox hit the ball hard all night. The game remained close because of the stellar defense of the Bad Gnus. I haven’t had much cause to celebrate our defense this year, but on this night, the gloves were reliable. The only errors I can remember were plays that turned singles into doubles, not outs into singles. We can live with those. Keith, Stuart and Clayton all made nice catches in the outfield. After the Gnus struck for 2 runs in the 5th inning, I was surprised to learn we were only down 9-3. Despite all of the base hits by the T-Sox, the Bad Gnus had held them to single digits. Unfortunately, the bats would not wake up for the Bad Gnus and the game finished 9-3.

The 20th season of Bad Gnus softball is in the books. We’ll see you all out there again next spring, unless I’m able to gather my own Delta yacht trip in the offseason.

Bad Gnus End Summer Season on a High Note

Arden Park gave the Bad Gnus a summer gift for the end of the 2011 season - a doubleheader against two beatable teams. On Monday, the Bad Gnus would pop cans with the Silver Bullets, winner of exactly 1 game during the season. On Tuesday, the Gnus would take on the highly medicated Don’t Panic. With their cataracts and non-specific back pain, Don’t Panic staved off the munchies long enough to put their best season together since the Summer of Love. They had won 2 games during the season.

All was lined up for a double header sweep. The whole team was available for both games. The Big Sexy’s knee was feeling as good as it had all year, allowing him to return to his rightful position of third base. Ice Chests were lined up for post game celebrations. It was a foregone conclusion that the Bad Gnus would head off into the raking, football, homework and amber beer of Fall with a good feeling about themselves and their teammates.

Monday started well enough. The first 4 batters all singled after Graeme threw 5 pitches. Gotta love that pitch selection. This gave the Gnus a 1-0 lead with the bases loaded. Sean then hit a foul grounder that inexplicably bounced back into fair territory for a 5-2 double play. The momentum was killed and the Gnus could only get one run. After a quick defensive stand, the bats started hot again. The Gnus scored 4 more until Clayton over ran the limit line on a bad throw to the plate. Some opportunities lost, but a 5-0 lead with the hot Gnus bats fired up the team and Maddie the cheerleader.

Things started to turn a little sour on the defensive end. Some balls were dropped, some outs given up. No error was more painful, mentally and physically, then the two-out ground ball that Mike tried to field with his ankle instead of his glove. The ball bounced off the ankle bone and out of play, giving the Silver Bullets a 5-5 tie and put the go ahead run on second. That run would score as the next batter got a base hit. Just like that, the Bad Gnus lead was gone.

The Bad Gnus were still feeling good about their offense and continued to plate runners. After two back and forth innings, the Bad Gnus held a 10-8 lead. The most memorable of the offensive explosions wasn’t Keith’s two doubles (see none of you remembered them) or even Stuart’s awesome triple. Stu was flying around the bases like a 15 years younger Stuart. You know that guy. The guy who goes on off-road driving adventures. The guy who stays out drinking until all hours of the night and still shows up the next day with a smile on his face. Wait, that was just this Summer? No, the most memorable play was Kirk’s homerun that plated Howard and Stuart in front of him to give us the 10th run. Kirk hit a solid drive in the gap in center. Howard came flying around third, tempting the throw from Lippi. The throw was offline. As it was bouncing around the plate area and into the feet of the 3 Gnus on deck, Kirk flew around third to score. Old time Bad Gnus aggressive base running right there!

What happened over the next three innings was more surprising than Lippi’s foul ball into the garbage can. The Silver Bullets had brought 14 players to the game. Many in a crisp, new white t-shirt that screamed “I haven’t swung a bat in a month”. Sure, a couple of those guys would get hits. Sure, the Gnus were going to misplay the stray ball here and there. But with all these guys, there are going to be plenty of pop ups and easy rollers to quell any rallies. All the Gnus saw coming was the headlight of a streaking train breaking through the icy cold hearts of the opposition. The Silver Bullets hit the ball hard. Up and down the line up, they collected clean hit after clean hit. Before we knew it, The Silver Bullets had put up a couple of touchdowns and the Bad Gnus lost 20-10. The worst part about it was that the Bullets did it with such precision; it didn’t even feel like a deflating loss.

The Gnus merrily went to their ice chest to enjoy a “that was pretty fun for a spanking” drink. What awaited them can only be seen in the twisted mind of M. Night Shyamalan. As the sun set behind the trees on a comfortable summer evening, the sweaty and dusty hand of the player reached toward his well earned treasure. Nothing could wash down a 10 run defeat to a beatable team like a cold, refreshing beer. It had been a particularly mentally tough evening. Some things just did not add up. How can a fly ball land in a garbage can 250 yards away? How could Greg T not wear cleats? How could Clayton make a base running error? With plenty on his mind, our fallen hero opens the creaky ice chest. What he found next was nothing short of seeing Gwenyth Paltow’s head at the end of Seven… it was an ice chest full of Silver Bullets!!! (queue Hitchcock screeching music).

The Newcastle player of the game goes to Teen Sexy! Matt is easily the most improved Bad Gnu this season. In fact, I think everyone else has just gotten a little worse each week. I’ve missed the last couple of games, but on Monday, Matt was hitting line drives and making routine plays at second base look routine. No small feat for a Bad Gnus second baseman. His best play was a pivot and strong throw he made to complete a double play when the game was still 11-10. Unfortunately, the umpire didn’t see it that way, allowing the Silver Bullets to put up several runs in the inning. Some may say that blown call was the turning point. Actually someone might have said that to the umpire.

Next up was the Tuesday night clash with Don’t Panic. I was surprised to see Don’t Panic had already won twice this season and we weren’t even one of them. I’m not sure how that happened. Yes, they have gotten a little younger. They have made some younger friends down at Watt Avenue Wellness. But they are all still potheads. Despite being pleasantly surprised that the red hats (how gangster!) that the younger Panics wore to match their cool low hanging shorts were not flat brimmed, they still lack significant baseball talent and softball strategy. Fat Kid Rock is a big improvement, but he's not going to win any Gold Glove awards.

The Bad Gnus would have to take on Don’t Panic without their 18-consecutive-year MVP, Howard Hughes. Howard tweeked his troublesome back and instead of opting for some tasty brownies that Don’t Panic had to ease the pain, he went for Hot Yoga. Here’s hoping Howard’s back is well enough for his Zumba class tonight.

You could tell this was a game that had been circled on the Don’t Panic schedule all season. They had about 15 guys on their bench. Most impressively, a couple of the older guys were in the parking lot pre-gaming. They even shared a brew with Sean. The pre-game beverages did not help these older stoners as much as you might have imagined.

After leadoff batter and reigning Newcastle player of the game Matt reached on a bad throw to start the game, the Don’t Panic “coach” was yelling at the umpire about Matt turning the wrong way. Surprising that someone on Don’t Panic would need to chill out. Just like the night before, the first 4 Gnus reached on solid hits which scored one run and left the bases loaded. Just like the night before, the next batter grounded to third for the 5-2 double play. They only difference, is we got to watch Clayton dance around the limit line for the second straight game. It never gets old! Unlike last night, we were able to keep the inning going and score some more runs. After 2 innings, it was 10-0 and the Bad Gnus were on fire.

Maddie showed up and was so excited her favorite old guy softball team was actually winning a game. It was nice to be able to see the genuine smile on her face of rooting for our team. The score was 13-0 when she left and the Bad Gnus just kept hitting. Remarkably, the drug-addled minds of Don’t Panic thought it was a good idea to play their outfielders remarkably shallow all game. Several Gnus went over their heads for extra bases and we are not what you would consider a power hitting team. For more fun, Don’t Panic resorted to 5 infielders. What a long strange trip this game was. The game ended 22-6.

The Newcastle player of the game goes to The Stu! Stuart went deep to centerfield for a home run. It was the second consecutive night that he hit the ball there. He also was 5 for 5, all sharply hit balls. He even made a good catch on a deep fly ball in the game. I’m not sure Stuart even made an out all week. Excellent play, just in time for indoor softball season.

This game seemed opposite in so many ways. We don’t usually win. We don’t usually score 22 runs on a ton of sold hits. And we don’t usually do all of that with a struggling Pete Nixon. Pete is one of the more talented and athletic Bad Gnus. For some reason, he could not get out his own way this week. His performance was low-lighted by a called strike three. On the positive side, Pete was responsible for the ice chest listed several paragraphs above. To cheer Pete up, here is the link to his favorite Bad Gnus recap from way back in 2006. http://badgnus.blogspot.com/2006/05/beatings-continue.html.   Note the mention of current Gnu, Matt Blom.

After the game, Don’t Panic retreated to their table of Vitamin Water and Doritos and the Bad Gnus went back to (gasp!) the ice chest full of Silver Bullets! (eek-eek-eek-eek!)

Bad Gnus Fall In Rivalry Game

This area is thick with rivalries such as Bad Gnus v. Ahern Const. There are heated Kings v. Lakers games. Cal v. USC Football is always interesting. Even in high school you have Rio Americano v. Jesuit soccer. Not surprisingly, I root hard for all of those "underdog" teams. When these underdogs beat their rival, it doesn't really matter what happens the rest of the year. They have that one special victory to hang their sweat-rimmed hat on. Sure the competition might not even realize these are high intensity rivalry games. The Lakers have the Celtics. USC has UCLA. Jesuit soccer has Davis. I suppose Ahern has the Hanks.

In anticipation of Rivalry Week and coming off a two week stretch where the Bad Gnus could do no right, they took advantage of the bye week by not just drinking and getting fatter as they typically do during a layoff. They also held their first practice of the 21st Century with half of the team actually attending. That robust attendance paid dividends as their newly constructed left side of the infield of Clayton at third and Sean at short hardly made any errors and the team bats woke up. Unfortunately, the one thing that was not covered in practice was baserunning.

Monday was a beautiful and mild summer night in Arden Park. Conditions were perfect for a rivalry victory. Ahern Const., perhaps feeling more nervous than they let on, had a few tricks up their sleeve. Ahern broke Arden Park Old Guy Softball League protocol by starting a shortstop under 30 who was not a blood relative. Seems like a nice kid, but not only does he not have gray stubble in his 5 o'clock shadow, he can't grow a 5 o'clock shadow. I bet he doesn't even have hair tufts coming out of his back!

Ahern Const. also broke out new uniforms right before the game since they can't rely on just wearing Arden Park Champion t-shirts anymore. All of those shirts are either stained or lost by now. Their sponsor spared no cost by providing both home and away uniforms. Proving they could not be bought, both Scott and Paul refused to be a walking billboard for the founding company. Let me take the rest of this paragraph to speak directly to the Kilt Pub. Hey John, if you're reading this, the Bad Gnus guarantee to wear your logo on any color tye dyed uniform on all players for a full beer sponsorship. You don't even have to cover our league fees, just the beer tab after games.

Perhaps the most dasterdly case of gamesmanship pulled off by Ahern was the impressive foresight and planning required for Bob Ahern to pull off a perfect long con on the Big Sexy. Bob got Mike a bunch of interviews with a company he was real excited about. Then right before the first pitch, when the timing could cause the most damage, Bob made sure to pass along the news of the job going to a more qualified, better looking and smarter candidate. Bob knew this kind of information would result in a bunch of pop ups off the over anxious bat of the Big Sexy. That happens anyway Bob, you didn't have give me an excuse.

The first ten minutes of the game could not have gone any better for the Bad Gnus. Instead of the typical 10 runs surrendered in the first inning, the Gnus shut out the potent top of the Ahern lineup. That momentum carried over into the bottom half of the inning, where Clayton, Greg T and Sean hit consecutive singles to load the bases. Clayton tested Greg O'Connor's arm on Keith's shallow fly ball. Greg's throw was predictably off target by 15 feet, but got to the catcher right before Clayton ran into him for the inning ending 7-2 double play.

After only giving up a couple of runs in the top of 2nd the Gnus once again had consecutive singles by Greg B, Stu and Mike to load the bases with one out. Matt hit a shallow fly to Scott who predictably threw Greg out with a perfect strike to home to once again end the inning on outfield assisted double play. Only the Gnus offense can get 6 hits in 10 at bats and be shutout through 2 innings.

The next time through the lineup, Howard and Greg T were not going to take any chances with singles as they both ripped triples to the trees sandwiched around another hit by Clayton. Greg would score to give the Gnus 3 runs and put them right back in the game. Keeping the Newcastle Player of the Game in the Thiesen family, Greg takes home the prize this week with his offensive output and underrated play at first. A lot of the throws coming his way were coming in at all different speeds and heights and he made them all look like perfect throws. Congrats to Greg! To keep the Thiesen family in the running, Jackie may need to do some baking for the post game spread after the next game. I hear homemade taquitos go well with Pacifico.

It would stay close into the bottom of the seventh. With the Bad Gnus trailing by only 3, there was a feeling in the air that this would be the night the Gnus would be able to hang their hat on. With one out Greg B, Stu and Mike once again hit consecutive singles scoring Greg, but Stu was picked off after rounding second on a horrible call by the horrible blue with the horrible personality and horrible grasp of the pitch ceiling. It seemed like a makeup call from the previous inning when Clayton was picked off second and was horribly called safe. That took the wind out of the Bad Gnus sails, who could not put together a two out rally. They floated into port on the wrong end of a 9-7 pier.

After the game, Ahern drank from their surprisingly diverse ice chest just as they will 7 other times this season after dispatching just any other team on any other week. The Bad Gnus were left to kick themselves for coming so close to dispatching their rival on the one week this summer that could have been monumental point of their softball year. No moral victories here. Next year Ahern Const., next year.

Sp-Hanked!

I don't remember being spanked very much as a child. I think I was. There's a good chance that it is locked up in some repressed memory in the huge mental closet full of things I'll never remember unless laying on a therapist's couch or being interrogated by the authorities. What I remember about being spanked isn't the physical pain on my healthy, bulbous buttocks, but the shame and disappointment I felt about myself. I know I likely deserved the beating and there is not one thing that can really be taken from it as a positive.

Fast forward 35 years to a beautiful summer night in Arden Park. The beers were cooling in the ice chest, the Bad Gnus had plenty of players at game time and friendly banter had already begun with the Father's of Arden Park softball. (Side note, it is much better to be the Father's of Arden Park than the Mother's of Arden Park. That title is still vacant since the foreclosure of WIN Financials membership in the club.) It was a perfect night for the summer season to begin. Optimism was at a season high for the Bad Gnus.

The Hanks first batter, GT, started the game with a well struck ball that our fabulous shortstop Kirk Giberson, fielded oh-so-smoothly and snapped an effortless throw to first that looked great from my angle behind the plate. Sadly, it was a good 10 feet wide of Greg at first. When the next batter also found an infield glove to bounce a ball in and out of, the air had been let out of the optimistic rose-colored balloon that was floating in my imagination.

The Hanks are a veteran ball club. They have so many good hitters in their lineup, that giving them one extra out will come back on haunt you. The Bad Gnus had to have made 3 errors each inning for the first 3 innings. The Hanks also have that "Dad Strength" that cannot be explained. Ken Peterson runs like Ichiro out of the box, narrowly getting throw out on grounders to second. Another smaller, older gentleman smacked the ball over our outfielders heads. The Bad Gnus had been very bad children and reluctantly pulled down our pants and laid across the Hanks laps. The score after 3, Hanks 21, Bad Gnus 0.

The score had grown to 30-0 as the Bad Gnus came to bat in the bottom of the 7th. The Howard led off the inning with a blast over the centerfielder's head for a home run! No shutout! That blast nearly gave Howard the Newcastle Player of the Game honor. Howard also played nearly flawless defense, with the only ball that dropped out of his glove coming after he made a remarkable play to even take a stab at it. No one else would have even touched it.

Alas, Howard doesn't get the Gnu of the Game this week. That honor goes to Greg's daughter Maddie. This adorable girl showed up in homemade Bad Gnus shirt, skirt and headband, complete with the "20" which signifies our run total for the Spring Season. She watched the entire game standing at the fence cheering on her dad and his friends despite the avalanche of disappointment we relentlessly caused. Maddie even had handmade signs to hold up. She may have cheered the loudest of everyone when Howard broke up the shutout, long after Howard's own kids had given up on him and most Gnus players had stopped watching.

The Bad Gnus were embarrassed in every way possible during our 30-1 beating at the hands of the Hanks, but seeing her smile and enthusiasm even after something so discouraging brought home the sweetness that is playing a recreation game at a local park with our friends in front of our supportive families. Congratulations, Maddie, you are the Thomas Kemper Root Beer Gnu of the Game for making us smile and giving something positive out of our spanking.

Bad Gnus Playoffs Begin! (and end)

The first Bad Gnus playoff game of the year took place on Monday night against the third seeded Long Islanders. I never think much about The Long Islanders. I always think of them as a .500 team that we have a 50/50 chance of beating on every other night. And I think about how a Long Island Ice Tea is cold and sneaky. Tastes so good, especially on a warm day, then wham! It was a beautiful and warm, early summer night and the Bad Gnus were thirsty.

Many Bad Gnus were at Valley Oak participating in the never-ending Arden Little League season. Caldy and I made sure that we would not have that kind of conflict as we coached our little league team to the ground early.

The Big Sexy was excited to make his return to the diamond. It had been a couple of months since he shocked the league by hitting three straight balls to centerfield for hits. The was 2 more than his career high. Clearly, something was wrong and he immediately had knee surgery after the game.

In true Bad Gnus Spring Season fashion, we borrowed a player to round out our 10. The good news is that he played flawless defense. Unfortunately, we only borrowed one player. The Gnus handled the ball on defense a bit like Robin Williams handling Flubber. There were at least 5 errors in the first inning, as balls just bounced out of gloves. This was followed by a few the next inning. In games that Bad Gnus play solid defense, we are competitive. In games with we don't, Na-nu Na-nu. After 2 complete innings, the Gnus had sent 8 guys to the plate. The Long Islanders had scored a cold and sneaky 18 runs.

After an 18-0 deficit, the Gnus started trying to win each inning. Over the next four innings, the Bad Gnus won 2, tied 1 and lost 1. Not bad! Clayton unleashed his whooping stick for a 3 run home run to spark the otherwise listless offense. That was good enough to earn him Newcastle player of the game despite his .000 fielding percentage. What can I say, guys dig the long ball. After the team warmed up, many players started to get hits. Cleanup hitter John mixed in line drive hits and bloop hits to keep the defense off balance. Erik was hitting crazy grounders that the Islanders just could not field. Clayton kept hitting.

During the rest of the game, the defense got significantly better, as well. In the last inning the Gnus brought the tying run to the plate with the bases loaded. Of course, that batter would have had to batted all the way around to be the tying run, but where there is hope... The final score ended 24-9.

That concludes Bad Gnus Spring Training! Now we are ready to start. Batting practice has been taken. Ice Chests will be filled. Honeys will be in the stands. Knees have been rehabbed. Shoulders have been thrown out and already healed. Watch out Arden Park, the Bad Gnus are ready for our 50 days of summer!

Bad Gnus Sneak into Season

A long time ago, back in my high school years, that I learned that the cool kids don't get to the party when it starts. You need to show up after the keg is tapped, after the Betties have arrived and after the music is pumping. (I sure am glad teenagers nowadays don't go to parties.) So it only figures that the cool kids of the Arden Park Men's Softball League, the Bad Gnus, wouldn't be hitting on all cylinders during the first week of the season. They haven't even played the Prince album yet.

In typical April fashion, the Gnus had a hard time getting 10 guys on their 20 guy-deep distribution list to commit to playing. With a couple of new Gnus, the 2011 season began on a sunny Tuesday evening against the defending champion, T-Sox. (Note: not sure who won last year, but the T-Sox did in my mind.) The T-Sox scored 3 runs in the first. Newcastle Player of the Game, third baseman Clayton "Slammin" Smith, nearly got us out of a jam early. With the bases loaded and one out, he fielded a grounder on a short hop tagged his bag and alertly threw home for the double play. The throw at Jim's feet was too hard to handle and the T-Sox drew first blood. They were able to tack on a couple more before we were out of the jam.

Erik not only brought his employee to the game, but also

a spanking new bat! Nice work, Erik. Unfortunately, the Bad Gnus kept many of the hits still in the bat. The Bad Gnus only scored twice. Clayton had the most consistant, positive hitting. There was a 7 or 8 way tie for most consistant, negative hitting. Greg Thiesen did most of the offensive damage by smashing a ball over the outfielders in center. The fact that Greg was four feet in front of the batters box was not noticed by the umpire. Nice poke.

Somehow the Gnus were hanging around late. They were only trailing 4-2 with two outs in the bottom of the fifth. Up stepped the top of the T-Sox order. Back to back players drove the ball between Keith and Sean in left center for home runs. I particularly enjoyed Sean's tumble and extended rest on the outfield grass as the ball rolled toward the tennis courts. I haven't seen that from Sean since the last concert in the park.

The T-Sox added three more in the bottom of the 6th to put the game out of reach at 9-2. 2 runs isn't a lot when the other team is throwing the ball underhand. I promise the Gnus will at least double that next week. We will be playing our dopplegangers, the Young Guns at 6:45 on Monday. The weather will be warmer, the time will be later and the keg will have already been tapped. Seriously, someone bring beer.

Spring Has Sprung

I love spring. There are too many wonderful things about it to list here in my unlimited bandwidth. You better believe the beginning of Bad Gnus season is high on that list. I get to see my buds on the regular. I get to play in the sun. I get to drink beer outside. There's nothing bad about it. Can't wait!

The new schedule is out and as it should be, The Bad Gnus are listed as Team #1 on the schedule. I knew the league liked us the best! Who wouldn't? I'm not sure about their inclusion of the word "The" in our name. I didn't put it there. I think it's wrong. It's like band names. Why is it The Black Keys but Black Eyed Peas?

The big news on the schedule is the omission of my favorite blog punching bag, Win Financial. Muscleheads must be cycling off. I have heard many rumors about why they are not back. Only one of which I didn't start. See if you can spot the one I first heard from someone else...

A. The manager of the team told his girlfriend that he got his herpes from the drinking fountain at Arden Park, not that co-ed at Cabo during spring break.

2. They never paid their 2010 league fee so the league would not let them signup.

C. They moved to a place where they could legally buy Four Loco.

D. Stuart won the pissing contest for who had the most ridiculously tall truck, so they were forced to move to another residential league.

Keep in mind there are a ton of little league (and other kid related) conflicts during the Spring league. Please let me know what games you are going to miss as soon as possible. We have a long list of possible subs, but it isn't always easy to scare up a player the day of the game. Keep in mind the games are Monday OR Tuesday each week.

Without further adieu, I present the Spring Schedule...

3/28 - 6:30 vs. Hanks - After last season's shocking upset of the Hanks, we will no longer be able to sneak up on them. Actually, that's probably pretty good advice given their age unless you want to brush up on those CPR skills. Tough sledding to grab the Hanks in the first week. The cold weather can't be good for their joints. We need to take advantage.

4/4 - BYE - Take a needed break from the gruelling schedule thus far.

4/12 - 5:45 vs. T-Sox - The T-Sox are now the cream of Arden Park softball. Ever since they starting sporting those cool retro White Sox hats and started recruiting based on talent, they have jumped way up in the league.

4/18 - 6:45 vs. Young Guns - My spell check tries to change their name to Young Gnus. I don't like guns and I don't like people trying to cop our name. Get off my lawn!

4/26 - 7:00 vs. Don't Panic - Ruh Roh. The more I see them the less I remember why I think these guys are all old stoners that think they have cleaned up their drug use because they no longer drop acid. I'm sure it's not true, but like most things, the story is better than the truth.

5/02 - 6:00 vs. Ice Bags - I don't know these guys at all but they'll always be the T-Bags to me until they do something memorable.

5/10 - 7:00 vs. Off Regularly - We got them to finally change their name! I hated Last Call. Sadly, the official schedule did not catch the name change in time and it lists them as "Ahern Const." Construction must be tough if they can't even afford the "ruction" at the end of their name. Maybe we should bring some Coors Light for them after this game.

5/17 - 6:00 vs. The Long Islanders - I've been to Long Island and nothing I've seen in these guys remind me of it. I would like to change their name to the League Average. Nice guys. Always finish 5-5. I bet if I asked them for an opinion on something, the answer 50% of the time would be "I can take it or leave it". They are the C students of AP softball.

5/24 - 6:00 vs. Silver Bullets - Our beer rival. Good guys, bad beer. Good team to finish regular season with.

5/31 & 6/6 - Single Elimination Tourney - June Madness!!

Off Season Memories - Giants Win the Pennant

It seems like forever since I have thrown on the tie dye and jogged out to third base for the Bad Gnus. The offseason is long enough without starting it three months early as I did in 2010. I am chomping at the bit to get out there and hit lazy fly balls to the left fielder and throw the ball over Greg T's head at first base.

So much has happened in the world since those glorious summer days and oh, oh those sum-um-mer nights. Wella, wella, wella, wella, hunh! Back in October and November, we had the thrilling Torture of the Giants playoff run. I am happy the Giants finally won the World Series. The team is so likable, I don't know who could possibly not have been happy to see them win. Right, Clayton?

I sure do wish they could have done that back in the 80's. My fandom for the Giants in the 80's exceeded my love for any team before or since. I have so many amazing memories of Candlestick Park from the agonizing days of LeMaster to the glorious days Kevin Mitchell and all the days in between. Humm Baby! I had my first teenage road trips driving to the Stick with my buds, sitting right behind the dugout in the empty stadium. Mike Krukow shrugged his shoulders at us walking back to the dugout after Dale Murphy took him deep. I wooed the future Mrs. Sexy by plying her with Bartles & James and asking other tailgaters for used coals in the bleacher parking lot. I remember a chubby, unknown Astros relief pitcher named Curt Schilling asking girls in the left field bleachers to lift their shirts. I remember getting sunburns in the first half of a double header and freezing to death in the night cap. I remember lighting a barbeque in the back seat of my car because it was so windy in the parking lot and, more importantly, because I was a stupid teenager. I even spent a night during Bachelor Week there with my buddies getting our snuck-in beers confiscated by security. No other stadium or team has littered my mind with so many memories.

That shows what a mess the early 90's Giants made of my sports heart. I can't remember the chronology of it, but I remember the deeds. Giants sign Deion Sanders. Giants sign Barry Bonds. Giants trade Big Sexy's favorite player and folical idol, Matt Williams, to the Indians. Giants threaten to move to St. Petersburg. Giants (and all the other teams) quit playing baseball in the middle of the season. All of this seemed to happen in a short period of time. Depending on your point of view, maybe it was. As with all soured relationships, it slowly whittled away at the foundation until it was not longer strong enough to endure a trauma such as a player strike.

It was 1994 and I was a baseball fan free agent. In 1995, I signed a lifetime contract with the Seattle Mariners. It may be a while before I have to live the Torture of a Mariner World Series run. I now just hope they are still in it when hockey season ends. It been a couple years since they have been in it at the end of June. That's just another joy of spring... there is always hope.

After seeing the Cubs at Wrigley (and Murphy's) over the past few years, I like to follow the Cubs, but they can't push the M's out of my baseball heart. They are really my National League team. Where does that leave the Giants in my heart? They still occupy a special place. I love going to catch a game at AT&T. Even though I do love Safeco Field, I think AT&T slightly tops it as a place to see a game. It is simply beautiful. It is also the place we can take the boys with more regularity, so it is creating its own special memories that I will cherish in another baseball generation. I can celebrate the Giants victory. I am happy for my former team. I happy for all of my friends that are still Giants fans and have been for so long. But honestly, I am a little envious.

Spring training is upon us. Go M's. Go Giants. Go Bad Gnus. Can't wait!

Happy New Year Indoor Softball

The return of the Bad Gnus Social Society is upon us!! We are several months late in putting together a get-together. I blame myself. I've been chomping at the bit to drill a ball 10 feet foul and throw a ball over the first baseman's head since my last softball game way back in July. I can't wait to see if I've still got it.

That's right, it's the return of indoor softball! Those of you that have joined us before know that it is a fun, fast-paced time that makes sure you deserve that post-game refreshment. Those who haven't, have probably heard the rest of us weave tales of Keith's home runs into the square, Pete's singles behind the catcher and Jim's snapped achilles.

Here's the deets - Monday, January 10. 6:15 to 8:00. We might be able to sneak a few extra minutes out them, but many of you will either be anxious to get to the postgame spread or to the emergency room by then. The cost will be $15 per person. That will likely cover the first several pitchers of tasty brew or refreshing soda, depending on your particular tastes and/or New Year's Resolutions. Location is 8288 Industrial Ave. Roseville, CA 95678. Here's the link to their website for kicks. http://www.arenasoftball.com/

I'm guessing there will be post game activities. I'm open to suggestions. The BCS Championship is that night. Bowl games usually last 4 1/2 hours, so I expect we will be done in time to watch the fourth quarter.

While I'm linking, and just in time for last minute Christmas shopping, check out the Big Sexy Top 20 Songs of 2010. Coming soon will be the top albums, top ocular entertainment and the big daddy of them all, top beers. http://bigsexyreviews.blogspot.com/

Here's what you need to do.

1. Secure Hall Pass for January 10.

2. Find a car pool.

3. Bring $15 and your medical insurance card.

4. Stretch!!

For now, have a wonderful Christmas and New Year's! Be sure to slow down and appreciate all that you have in your life.

It's Already Over???

The Bad Gnus season ended on the hottest night of the year with a disappointing loss. The Gnus did win (or tie) 6 of the 7 innings during the game. If it wasn't for the Tea Bags going on a 10 run "Gnu inning" to turn a 7-2 Bad Gnus lead into a 12-7 deficit, the Bad Gnus would have finished the season with a strong two game winning streak.

Allow me to back up a minute here. I missed it, but last week, with only 6 Gnus and 3 young kids from another team, the Bad Gnus took down the almighty Hanks!!! I knew it could happen. I wish I would've been there to see it. (Side note - when did "young kids" start referring to 20 year olds and not 5 year olds?) I know... your first reaction is probably that the 3 young kids carried the Gnus. I know it crossed my cynical mind. However, witnesses from the front line report that they were the 3 worst players on the Gnus. I thought the report was pushing the envelope of credibility when I also heard that Clayton was 4 for 5. But after watching Clayton stroke the ball last night, I can believe it. Quiz is on fire! Just in time for indoor softball season.

Back to last night. It is tough watching the Gnus from the sideline every week. The Newcastle did make it a little easier (thanks Erik!) but I still wish I was out there battling it out with the guys in tye dye. The 10 run inning was tough to watch, but as the Bad Gnus biggest fan, the turning point of the game was the third inning. The Gnus loaded the bases with no one out. Jim tried to lay down the squeeze bunt but Erik didn't see the sign and didn't break from third until it was hit. Then a very unfortunate play as Kirk hit a soft liner to third that bounced in front of the third baseman. The Bagger tagged Greg T coming to third and somehow threw out Greg B at home for the inning ending double play. That inning sent me scrambling for the ice chest.

I can't leave my end of the season remarks with a dud. Let's think back to all of the great plays of the night. Greg T and Erik were constantly smoking the ball. The infield was turning and almost turning all sorts of double plays. Stu got the ball back to infield with a minimum number of bounces. In fact, the defense looked solid. I hardly remember any misplays.

Last night culminated in the first annual Bad Gnus season ending BBQ. The event was a hit. Big thank you to Arden Park for providing the facility and all of you Gnus that brought the goods. It was a great way to end a another excellent year of Bad Gnus softball.

Since I didn't take pictures last night, this is a good time to post my Gnus around the world pictures! Please send yours in from your summer travels. The ocean picture is from Costa Rica. Mrs. Sexy likes this picture for some reason.

Now that the regular season is over, it will be time to dust off the the Bad Gnus Social Society - Studs with Suds. Let me know if you would like to host an event. I am tentatively planning a night at the harness races on October 7th. There may even be a visit from my favorite horse... http://badgnus.blogspot.com/2008/10/message-from-racehorse.html

Ahern Sneaks Past Bad Gnus

Using a top player from both of the top teams in the league, Hanks and T-Sox, Ahern got a couple of key hits in the first inning and held on for a victory over the beloved Bad Gnus. The win by Ahern evens the season series at one game each. An independent moderator has concluded that since the Bad Gnus used only roster players in both games, that they are the winner of the 2010 B Diddy trophy (The D Cup) for the first time. Congratulations, Bad Gnus!

Bad Gnus Will Continue to Beat Off Regularly *

There may be some Arden Park Softball pundits out there that think the Bad Gnus thorough drubbing of Off Regulary/Ahern/Upper Deckers in the Spring Season was a bit of luck. A blind pig finding a nut. That it was better to be lucky than good. That socialism is killing America. Ok, that is a different kind of pundit, but all of those pundits are equally insane. Especially Glenn Beck. I mean who watches that asshole? From the demographics, I assume several of the Hanks. But I digress. Thinking about Fox News makes me want to kick someone in the nards.


Back to the topic at hand. Not a lot of people put much notice in our one-sided beatdown of the formally formidable Ahern clan back in May. In fact, when the standings came out, we were shorted a win. When I called Lisa to complain, I was told our losses included a loss to Last Call. I first had to try to figure out who the heck she was talking about. Then I had to correct her and force her to apologize for her grievous mistake. I am still awaiting the written apology.


Those who witnessed the pounding on that fair Tuesday evening, know that Walt won't take the extra base anymore. That Mark was not there. That Scott and Greg cannot hit it past the gazelle-like grace of Howard. That Eddie was not there. That B Diddy likes him a 6-4-3 ground ball. That Robbie was not there. That Bob can only hit it to right. Further they saw the shine of a new dawning of Arden Park mediocrity. Fly balls no longer are dropped in the Bad Gnus outfield. First basemen wearing the tye dye now catch a thrown ball. Fly balls hit to left are now hit a little shorter and are base hits.


That night was not a flash in the pan but a big bang that created a new world in Arden Park softball. We have climbed from the sea and are now walking tall amongst the gorillas (Balco Bombers) and bears (Beach hut's pitcher) that roam the softball landscape. We are no longer just the coolest guys with the hottest chicks and coldest (and best) ice chest. We are now amongst the softball elite of Arden Park and need to carry ourselves as such.


The Summer Season has not started off the way we would like it to. Our attendance has been spotty due to luxury vacations and extended baseball seasons. This week's game against Ahern is just what is needed to right the ship and put us back on the path of our destiny of greatness. Answer that knock at the door, Bad Gnu. It is the opportunity to prove our worth, to quiet the pundits and to set a trend of future trouncings that will continue through the decade.


When you take the field on a warm Tuesday night, know that a Bad Gnus legacy is being forged. That the Bad Gnus will be the best team on that field. But most of all, know that I'm bringing an ice chest full of frosties, so win or lose, we win! See you out there.



* Note: This post is a milking of our first of what I hope to be many victories by the Bad Gnus over Ahern. Just in case I am unable to continue claiming victory in this rivalry, I figured I'd get one more shot across the bow.

2010 Summer Series

Fresh off the most successful spring training in recent Bad Gnus history, the Summer Series is already upon us. This is always the best time to play softball. Warm nights, cool friends and cold beers all mingling at the park while the kids play and the birds sing. Good times. Don't miss it!

There are now 11 teams in the league and we get to play all of them once. There may also be an end of the season tournament! That would be sweet. The bad news is that they are trying to squeeze 3 games in per night. Be on the lookout for the bonus week in which we play on both Monday and Tuesday.

Here is the schedule for the summer. Unfortunately, we have already played two of these games with horrific results. Most dissappointing is the scrambling of players that has been needed. I expect that to be past us now.

Monday 6/28 6:30 vs. Silver Bullets

There was no umpire, no scorekeeper and very few Gnus. We lost 11ish to 3ish playing with squishy balls and Matt Shelton umpiring in his flip flops while drinking a Silver Bullet. It felt a bit like a picnic game. We played a bit like Yogi Bears.

Tuesday 7/06 5:30 vs. T-Sox

The Big Sexy pitched. Teen Sexy played his second straight game. Twin Sexies played their first beer league softball game. That's just too much Sexy for one game against a team as serious as the T-Sox. Did you check out their new lids? Tres Cool.

Tuesday 7/13 5:30 vs. B Diddy and the Funky Bunch

Here is the big game on the schedule. The Big Sexy's phone hasn't rung to fill in on their team since the Spring Season's infamous beatdown. That's not a coincidence. Ahern's team was stung a bit by the Bad Gnus' dominance. This is a great game to get the band back together and take them down again. We're on a mission from gawd.

Monday 7/19 6:30 vs. Balco Bangers

This team clearly was off-cycle from their horse steroids in the Spring Season. Take out the inflated muscles from these bros and you really have some low talented, small brained softball players. This game is a must see to watch a bro ice a bro after the game. Please let it happen!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0d0f25c7f3/broz-icing-bros-icing-bros

Tuesday 7/20 7:30 vs. Don't Panic

Second game of a back-to-back. We should be going for a sweep here. Don't Panic will have the munchies for a win over the only team they have ever beaten. Don't let lightning strike twice!

Monday 7/26 7:30 vs. Beach Hut

I will not be here to see which team shows up for Beach Hut: the athletic boyfriends of the sandwich makers or the dorky boyfriends of the sandwich makers. Last year, it was hip to be a nerd. Clearly this year, notsomuch. Maybe next year old, slow and fat will be hip.

Monday 8/02 5:30 vs. The Young Guns

New team alert. I expect from their name they are young and they don't know how to spell Gnus.

Tuesday 8/10 7:30 vs. The Long Islanders

This team has been around for as long as I land remember. (That's bad, I'm sorry) But I don't have any lasting memories of them. They are nice enough guys that are about as good as we are. We might crush them. They might smoke us. We might tie. Who knows? I probably won't remember it anyway. Be there to find out. Maybe take some pictures so we can remember them next year.

Tuesday 8/17 6:15 vs. Hanks

Note the subtle time change. We are going to beat the Hanks some year. Although, they did not lose a game in the Spring Season, why can't it be this year? Beside that last thing I said. And the other thing I implied. And the other couple things I thought. Forget that, it's on! Some one bring the Henry Weinhardts!

Tuesday 8/24 5:15 vs. Ice Bags

Seriously, Arden Park and Rec, some of us have jobs. 5:15 is egregious. But so was our last game against the Ice Bags. We were 5-2. Feeling on top of the world. We were playing a new team that had 1 win all year and it was against the Panic boys. Ugh! The dreaded Bad Gnus trap game! Every year we lose a game we have no business losing and win a game we have no business winning. That one was the loss one. We have a score to settle. It's our last game of the season and a chance for retribution. We will go out winners. We will go out with our heads held high. We will hang out in the park after the game and reminicse about all our great plays. But mostly we will gather knowing that this group of friends and family have represented the Bad Gnus colors with valor and brought further glory to our illustrious history.

Bad Gnus Continue Their Ascent

Wow. I don't know what to say. It's been years and years of chasing my white whales (I'm not calling the Ahern team fat, it's a literary reference. Sure, maybe a guy or two might need to realize that just because it's light beer and tastes like water, 10 Coors Lights is still 700 empty calories. But the Bad Gnus are not calling any pots black.) I feel a little like Inigo Montoya after he defeats the man with 6 fingers. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

Champagne has been running from all the faucets at Bad Gnus World Headquarters for two straight days. It's really been giving my hair a noticeable glean. I've been awoken by Queen's celebratory anthem all week. The birds' songs each day are a little nicer... the sunsets have been more dramatically beautiful... the guacamole on my burrito a little spicier... The world is just a better place now that the dragon has been slain.

How will the Bad Gnus move forward against Don't Panic this Tuesday at 7:00? You know those guys will be stumbling out of their smokey Scooby van at 6:50 all fired up to beat the only team they have taken down since medicinal marijuana was legalized.

Let's take a step back and bask in the glory that was Monday night. It was an unseasonably cold night for late May. That did not stop the requisite 10 to 15 future Gnus (Good Gnus!) from taking in their weekly whiffleball game, but it did surprisingly keep our hot wife number to a season low of 1.

The Bad Gnus wasted back to back hits to start the game as their 3-4-5 batters went down quietly. The second inning provided a second chance as the Gnus put together the first of their many two out rallies. Highlighted by The Howard's bases loaded triple to the firehouse parking lot, the Gnus took a 5-1 lead. Howard belted the ball all night. Pulling up on a possible double to end up only the double short of the cycle. He was hoping for a ground rule double to finish off the cycle. If he couldn't have it that way, he was content to wait until next week.

From there, the game was remarkably unremarkable. The Bad Gnus were up by 5 or 8 runs all game. Most the the Bad Gnus runs happened with two outs all night long. The Big Sexy wasted his at bats trying to rip B Diddy's head off and resulted in lazy fly balls. He was picked up by the lively bats up and down the order. Todd and Kevin both knocked the yellow off the ball all night and I believe every Bad Gnus had at least one hit.

The big story is the continued dominance of the lock down defense the Bad Gnus are displaying which is proving to be a hallmark of this 20th year of Bad Gnus softball. Once again, I cannot think of any errors. The defensive highlight of the game was provided by, who else, Newcastle Player of the Game, Howard Hughes. With the bases loaded and Ahern threatening to make a game of it, Howard made an excellent running catch of a drilled ball by Greg O'Connor. If that gets down, maybe the Bad Gnus don't coast home.

The final score: Bad Gnus 13 - Ahern/Upper Deckers/Off Regulary 7. Ahern scratched in 3 runs in the final frame to make the score appear closer than the game really was. I am hoping that this result will help Ahern switch to one of the Bad Gnus-approved names for their team. I'll be keeping my eye on the schedule for the summer league to look for the new name. Until then, I'll enjoy the glory of knowing the Bad Gnus destroyed Ahern, the Bad Gnus take the Upper Deckers and the Bad Gnus beat Off Regularly.

Rivalry Week !!

Coming this Monday - Bad Gnus v. Ahern. The Civil War of Arden Park. Brothers against brothers. One with a thirst for Coors Light. One with a thirst for real beer. One with a colorful 20 year tradition. One who likes to wear those boring grey Arden Park Champions shirts. Who ya got?




Fans

Bad Gnus - Sexiest women in town, tiltin' back brews, cheering on their men

Ahern - Rarely a fan in attendance

Kids

Bad Gnus - 10 - 15 kids running around playing whiffle ball, emulating their old men

Ahern - Likely home studying or helping around the house. Or playing shortstop.

Ice Chest

Bad Gnus - Sometimes ominously missing. But when there, filled with something special

Ahern - There every week, usually filled with cool refreshing Coors Light

Beertender

Bad Gnus - Overly enthusiastic 9 year old

Ahern - Self Service

Championship

Bad Gnus - There's a championship?

Ahern - Annually

Related Teammates

Bad Gnus - Big Sexy and G Money

Ahern - Bob and Robbie

Depending on your tastes, looks like a toss up. Many might say, "But Big Sexy, can a rivalry exist when one of the teams has never won?" Well, these teams share a special relationship. There are good friends across the teams and many players have helped out each team when in need. I always look forward to this game and the chance that we could actually win it. Let me tell you, this is the year!!

I played with Ahern last week against the Hanks. Now the Hanks have had their share of success with us over the years, but they are not getting any younger. (Sadly, neither are we.) The Bad Gnus are getting very close to taking the Hanks and it's going to happen one of these years. Well, the Hanks put a Hanky Spanky on the Aherns to the tune of 25-4. Now, perhaps my appearance at this game had a lot to do with this outcome. Ahern was missing several key performers. Most notably a pitcher. I'm not saying B Diddy can't pitch... No, that exactly what I am saying. B Diddy can't pitch. After 1, the score was 15-0 Hanks.

We have cultivated, watered and mostly fertilized the Aherns over the years. This is the year they are ripe for the picking! Make sure you are there when the Ahern harvest is finally realized. Game time is 7:00. Bring the kids, bring the wives, but most importantly, will someone please bring some beer!?!

Bad Gnus Put the Sleeves on the Meatheads

A wild day of 21st century, virtual player-whoring helped the Bad Gnus continue their torrid season start. A record 11 Gnus called in "sick" for the game this week. After a frantic emptying of the e-mail directory and the recision of "outs" from Greg and Howard, their were 11 players for the Gnus at game time. Unfortunately, the Balco Bombers/WIN Financial had only 7 players. Greg volunteered to pitch for the meatheads while a variety of players took turns catching for them.

Crazy, but Howard reported that one of the bros told him that they have a lot of little league issues this time of year. Normally, I'd be able to completely relate and sympathize. But I have a hard time believing any of these lug-heads see there kids any more frequently than every other weekend. Check out the liberal visitation these guys are getting! I suppose there is not a day care facility next Showgirls for their baby mamas to use.

Here are a few of the Bombers relaxing after the game at Park Ultra Lounge. Actually, the Bombers were a little more reserved than usual. These guys must of been busy coaching up those boys. "Stone, you better get yo' cleats up when you are sliding it to second! No pussy son of mine's going to avoid a tag."

We ended up with three Rex Davises (Davi?) who all contributed very well. None as well as Rex John Murphy who was 4 X 4 while holding down a solid first base. Doug pitched for the first time in 8 months and proved you don't need knee ligaments to throw strikes. Walked no one. Combine that with excellent defense and consistent hitting and you get a 17-5 Bad Gnus victory! That moves the Gnus to 3 and 1 on the season and on the brink of first place.

The Bad Gnus liked the flavor of Greg's pitches! There hasn't been something so tasty tossed underhand to me since the slow-motion, ice-cold Newcastle the Ahern boys tossed to me in thanks for picking up a game with them. The Gnus batted around in the first inning by drilling the ball all over the field. They started hot in the next inning until Teddy Ballgame scooped a ball at the plate. He can't stop himself from making spectacular digs.

The Big Sexy was a wizard with his glove. He was channeling his inner Brooks Robinson or at least his inner Eddie Shaldone. A new Arden Park (note: unofficial) record was made by the 12 outs by a third baseman Mike had a hand in. Don't expect that on a weekly basis..

In fact, the whole team is just straight picking the ball with the glove this year! I don't believe there were any errors for entire team. That has been a constant in the early season and clearly the reason for the early season success of the Bad Gnus.

Overall it was a great night of softball. There was a big crowd watching the game in beautiful weather. The Galliano family made their first visit to a Gnus game! Sadly, there was no beer!! WTF? There needs to be some kind of system set up. That's just poor team management right there.

Next up: Beach Hut. They are undefeated from what I hear. But they haven't played the best team in the league yet. Bring it on, sandwich slingers!