Bad Gnus End Summer Season on a High Note

Arden Park gave the Bad Gnus a summer gift for the end of the 2011 season - a doubleheader against two beatable teams. On Monday, the Bad Gnus would pop cans with the Silver Bullets, winner of exactly 1 game during the season. On Tuesday, the Gnus would take on the highly medicated Don’t Panic. With their cataracts and non-specific back pain, Don’t Panic staved off the munchies long enough to put their best season together since the Summer of Love. They had won 2 games during the season.

All was lined up for a double header sweep. The whole team was available for both games. The Big Sexy’s knee was feeling as good as it had all year, allowing him to return to his rightful position of third base. Ice Chests were lined up for post game celebrations. It was a foregone conclusion that the Bad Gnus would head off into the raking, football, homework and amber beer of Fall with a good feeling about themselves and their teammates.

Monday started well enough. The first 4 batters all singled after Graeme threw 5 pitches. Gotta love that pitch selection. This gave the Gnus a 1-0 lead with the bases loaded. Sean then hit a foul grounder that inexplicably bounced back into fair territory for a 5-2 double play. The momentum was killed and the Gnus could only get one run. After a quick defensive stand, the bats started hot again. The Gnus scored 4 more until Clayton over ran the limit line on a bad throw to the plate. Some opportunities lost, but a 5-0 lead with the hot Gnus bats fired up the team and Maddie the cheerleader.

Things started to turn a little sour on the defensive end. Some balls were dropped, some outs given up. No error was more painful, mentally and physically, then the two-out ground ball that Mike tried to field with his ankle instead of his glove. The ball bounced off the ankle bone and out of play, giving the Silver Bullets a 5-5 tie and put the go ahead run on second. That run would score as the next batter got a base hit. Just like that, the Bad Gnus lead was gone.

The Bad Gnus were still feeling good about their offense and continued to plate runners. After two back and forth innings, the Bad Gnus held a 10-8 lead. The most memorable of the offensive explosions wasn’t Keith’s two doubles (see none of you remembered them) or even Stuart’s awesome triple. Stu was flying around the bases like a 15 years younger Stuart. You know that guy. The guy who goes on off-road driving adventures. The guy who stays out drinking until all hours of the night and still shows up the next day with a smile on his face. Wait, that was just this Summer? No, the most memorable play was Kirk’s homerun that plated Howard and Stuart in front of him to give us the 10th run. Kirk hit a solid drive in the gap in center. Howard came flying around third, tempting the throw from Lippi. The throw was offline. As it was bouncing around the plate area and into the feet of the 3 Gnus on deck, Kirk flew around third to score. Old time Bad Gnus aggressive base running right there!

What happened over the next three innings was more surprising than Lippi’s foul ball into the garbage can. The Silver Bullets had brought 14 players to the game. Many in a crisp, new white t-shirt that screamed “I haven’t swung a bat in a month”. Sure, a couple of those guys would get hits. Sure, the Gnus were going to misplay the stray ball here and there. But with all these guys, there are going to be plenty of pop ups and easy rollers to quell any rallies. All the Gnus saw coming was the headlight of a streaking train breaking through the icy cold hearts of the opposition. The Silver Bullets hit the ball hard. Up and down the line up, they collected clean hit after clean hit. Before we knew it, The Silver Bullets had put up a couple of touchdowns and the Bad Gnus lost 20-10. The worst part about it was that the Bullets did it with such precision; it didn’t even feel like a deflating loss.

The Gnus merrily went to their ice chest to enjoy a “that was pretty fun for a spanking” drink. What awaited them can only be seen in the twisted mind of M. Night Shyamalan. As the sun set behind the trees on a comfortable summer evening, the sweaty and dusty hand of the player reached toward his well earned treasure. Nothing could wash down a 10 run defeat to a beatable team like a cold, refreshing beer. It had been a particularly mentally tough evening. Some things just did not add up. How can a fly ball land in a garbage can 250 yards away? How could Greg T not wear cleats? How could Clayton make a base running error? With plenty on his mind, our fallen hero opens the creaky ice chest. What he found next was nothing short of seeing Gwenyth Paltow’s head at the end of Seven… it was an ice chest full of Silver Bullets!!! (queue Hitchcock screeching music).

The Newcastle player of the game goes to Teen Sexy! Matt is easily the most improved Bad Gnu this season. In fact, I think everyone else has just gotten a little worse each week. I’ve missed the last couple of games, but on Monday, Matt was hitting line drives and making routine plays at second base look routine. No small feat for a Bad Gnus second baseman. His best play was a pivot and strong throw he made to complete a double play when the game was still 11-10. Unfortunately, the umpire didn’t see it that way, allowing the Silver Bullets to put up several runs in the inning. Some may say that blown call was the turning point. Actually someone might have said that to the umpire.

Next up was the Tuesday night clash with Don’t Panic. I was surprised to see Don’t Panic had already won twice this season and we weren’t even one of them. I’m not sure how that happened. Yes, they have gotten a little younger. They have made some younger friends down at Watt Avenue Wellness. But they are all still potheads. Despite being pleasantly surprised that the red hats (how gangster!) that the younger Panics wore to match their cool low hanging shorts were not flat brimmed, they still lack significant baseball talent and softball strategy. Fat Kid Rock is a big improvement, but he's not going to win any Gold Glove awards.

The Bad Gnus would have to take on Don’t Panic without their 18-consecutive-year MVP, Howard Hughes. Howard tweeked his troublesome back and instead of opting for some tasty brownies that Don’t Panic had to ease the pain, he went for Hot Yoga. Here’s hoping Howard’s back is well enough for his Zumba class tonight.

You could tell this was a game that had been circled on the Don’t Panic schedule all season. They had about 15 guys on their bench. Most impressively, a couple of the older guys were in the parking lot pre-gaming. They even shared a brew with Sean. The pre-game beverages did not help these older stoners as much as you might have imagined.

After leadoff batter and reigning Newcastle player of the game Matt reached on a bad throw to start the game, the Don’t Panic “coach” was yelling at the umpire about Matt turning the wrong way. Surprising that someone on Don’t Panic would need to chill out. Just like the night before, the first 4 Gnus reached on solid hits which scored one run and left the bases loaded. Just like the night before, the next batter grounded to third for the 5-2 double play. They only difference, is we got to watch Clayton dance around the limit line for the second straight game. It never gets old! Unlike last night, we were able to keep the inning going and score some more runs. After 2 innings, it was 10-0 and the Bad Gnus were on fire.

Maddie showed up and was so excited her favorite old guy softball team was actually winning a game. It was nice to be able to see the genuine smile on her face of rooting for our team. The score was 13-0 when she left and the Bad Gnus just kept hitting. Remarkably, the drug-addled minds of Don’t Panic thought it was a good idea to play their outfielders remarkably shallow all game. Several Gnus went over their heads for extra bases and we are not what you would consider a power hitting team. For more fun, Don’t Panic resorted to 5 infielders. What a long strange trip this game was. The game ended 22-6.

The Newcastle player of the game goes to The Stu! Stuart went deep to centerfield for a home run. It was the second consecutive night that he hit the ball there. He also was 5 for 5, all sharply hit balls. He even made a good catch on a deep fly ball in the game. I’m not sure Stuart even made an out all week. Excellent play, just in time for indoor softball season.

This game seemed opposite in so many ways. We don’t usually win. We don’t usually score 22 runs on a ton of sold hits. And we don’t usually do all of that with a struggling Pete Nixon. Pete is one of the more talented and athletic Bad Gnus. For some reason, he could not get out his own way this week. His performance was low-lighted by a called strike three. On the positive side, Pete was responsible for the ice chest listed several paragraphs above. To cheer Pete up, here is the link to his favorite Bad Gnus recap from way back in 2006. http://badgnus.blogspot.com/2006/05/beatings-continue.html.   Note the mention of current Gnu, Matt Blom.

After the game, Don’t Panic retreated to their table of Vitamin Water and Doritos and the Bad Gnus went back to (gasp!) the ice chest full of Silver Bullets! (eek-eek-eek-eek!)