What We Have Learned

Another Bad Gnus season is in the books. The season wrapped up wonderfully. Following perhaps our best game of the year last week, we smoked Don't Panic (at the Disco) 13-1 in our final game to bring our Arden Park record to 5-7. We put it all together at the end but have nowhere to go with our momentum except to watch Monday Night Football and put on our winter weight. If there were playoffs, we would be a team to watch. If my aunt had a package, she'd be my uncle.

The season improved greatly once we moved to Arden Park and gained a beer sponsorship. Though we failed to finish either of our two seasons at .500 for the first time in the 15 year history of the Bad Gnus, we had a lot of fun and we learned a lot about our team and each other. Here's a few of the things I have learned about our team and the individuals on it...

* We aren't in our 20's anymore. Now WE are the team with the knee braces and beer bellies that play much better than they look. I used to hate playing that team 10 years ago. I'd still rather be the team that hates that team.

* It is time for another version of the ever popular Bad Gnus shirt. The last couple of years have resulted in some turnover and we have a hodge podge of shirts. I will be ordering 20 shirts next time. I'm guessing all XL and XXL, fat asses. Get your designs in. The winning design will win a Bad Gnus autographed softball.

* Howard can't go 5 for 5 every game anymore, but he still thinks he should. Glad to see his wife and beautiful baby at a couple of games this year. Hope that becomes a regular feature. Also glad to see he refuses the postgame beer. More beer for me, I mean, us.

* Howard's bat is not cursed. As he proved in the last couple games, where he pounded out hit after hit, Howard is back. He even used the bat everyone on the team is afriad to use. It is the most expensive stick ever owned by a Bad Gnu, but when everyone saw what it did to our most consistent hitter, people were using the bats Doug Wormald brought from the trunk of stolen cars instead.

* Derrick likes little league baseball and his son more than the Bad Gnus. It was bound to happen. The Gnus now take a backseat to the family in the heart of many Gnus and so we have expanded our roster to expect such missed games. But D, tell your league to cool it on the Monday games!

* Greg can't play 9:30 games anymore. The guy's bedtime is 9:00. No one was happier that we were moving to a park without lights, within walking distance to his house then Greg. Although he is more likely to have his mom drop him off at the field than actually walk or ride his bike.

* Kevin can learn. Now, long after the fact, it seemed like several times that Kevin touched the plate instead of the white line, he ended the season scoring several runs that weren't called outs.

* Kevin has a hard head. The half funny/half scary collision into the backstop at the Complex was one of the memorable moments of the year. His head hit the backstop harder than Trent Green's hit the turf in Kansas City. That graceful stumble gave him a concussion and blood running down his knees but he soldiered on.

* Erik Grotte is an athletic marvel. Erik had more environmental handicaps to physical performance throughout the year than anyone but still made several Newcastle Defensive Plays of the Game and is the Samuel Adams Player of the Game for the final week of the season. With a soft cast on his hand, Erik had a perfect night at the plate. That's amazing. A couple weeks prior, Erik played first base with a hard cast on his hand. He played a couple innings at second base earlier in the season with his son's little league mit after the mit that he probably used in little league was shredded by a line drive. And, of course, he often plays the game with jeans on, like the real cowboys do.

* Kirk Giberson is the smoothest fielder on the Gnus (when not wearing golf clothes). One of our excellent mid-year pickups this year was Kirk. At the start of the season, he did not have softball equipment, only golf equipment. He still wears the golf batting gloves as a shout out to his true sporting love, golf. But he no longer wears golf shoes and looks more like a softball player out there than a golfer. As the season moved along, he not only turned into a hitting machine, but turned every ground ball into a slick looking out. Glad you're with us, Kirk.

* Keith Galliano's married! When did that happen? All the sudden his Gnus' dues checks have a girl's name on them. I don't even think it was that recent of a development. He has always quietly done his business getting hits, playing solid defense and now he is quietly getting married. Of course, until she comes to a game, it cannot be officially recognized.

* Mike finds himself funnier than anyone else does. He also likes the write crap about all his friends as a test to see if they will still hangout with him despite things he publishes on the world wide web. Oh, and he cannot hit the ball to the opposite field.

* Pete Nixon throws hard. Despite the flowery pony tail hat he has worn, he can fell a man with a flick of his wrist. In the Bad Gnus Play of the Year for 2006, Pete threw a ball right down the middle of the opposing runner's "strike zone" as he rounded third. I'm not going to drudge it all up again here. Scroll down for the original story. It's funny everytime I think about it.

* John Weisenfarth doesn't know the base coach sign for "stop here at third". He's very exciting to watch on the bases. He takes the cavalier base running that the Gnus were founded on into the current day. He always seems to be flying around the bases whether the ball is waiting in front of him or not.

* Bill Moebs' job sucks. Dude missed two months worth of games because he was working every night until 10. When he did finally start showing up and got his tye dye on, Bill was a good player and another fine mid-year pickup. He just can't play in June and July.

* Bill Appleton has the coolest sister. In one of the best developments in Bad Gnus history, Bill worked a sponsorship deal for free Sam Adams beer for after the games. I still think we only see about 20% of the beer she gives him for the team. It's a small price to pay for Bill to ice it down and bring it each week.

* Doug Wormald can hit it out. For the first time in who knows how many years, a Bad Gnu went yard. Doug took care of business with one of Crazy Joaquin's borrowed bats. It might have been our only run in that game. Chicks dig the long ball!

* Sean McDaniel plays a solid right field. Sean made his debut at the end of the season and mostly played right field. He got a lot of action out there and made some tough catches look easy and some easy catches look tough. We will see more of him next year and learn something juicier.


* Ted Messner likes to swing it. Don't think Ted took a pitch all year. After Ted mocked the tracking of walks on the Gnus, the walk rate dropped faster than a guy rounding third when Pete has a ball in his hands. (The big white one, not his left or right.)


* Ted Messner exists. Ted has a conflict on Monday nights which makes showing up for our games kinda tough. He did make it out for a few games to prove he is more than just a name on the roster.

* Doug Hart might not exist. Doug is always quick to quip on the e-mails, but he was once again on the injured list for the entire year. Many Gnus don't have any idea who he is. After starting the 2005 season with a 3 for 3 night, he hurt his, heck, I don't even remember which one was first. He's been in a cast, sling, brace or head cone for two years straight. He kept threatening to come out and take comprimising photos of us, but only made it out for half of the opening night game. It will be interesting to see what ailment keeps him out of opening day 2007.

No matter what, we had a memorable season. Thanks to you all for showing up and contributing to the fun. I hope you all had as much fun as I did. This is a great group of guys and it seems like the players that have been added to the Bad Gnus family fit in perfectly. Have a great offseason. I hope that I will see you all many times before our next opening day.

A Letter from Bill Appleton's Goldfish

Hi Bad Gnus,

I'm Goldie, Bill Appleton's goldfish. I thought I'd send you all a letter as the long winter of the Bad Gnus offseason is upon us. First off, I don't want you to think that my human Bill lacked creativity and named me after my species. Bill is a very bright human who is well read. He named me after his favorite downtown bookstore. It is a special place for him is that is where he met his girlfriend. She never says very much but she always sits stiffly on the couch over there with her mouth open.

Overall, it is very cool being Bill's goldfish. He comes and goes a lot so he walks by and taps on the tank every time he heads out the door. Usually when he comes back he just falls asleep right on the floor in front of me instead of going to his bedroom. He doesn't take off his clothes or shoes or anything. I love it when we have sleepovers! Sometimes they're kind of smelly in the morning though.

I like it when he practices pickup lines on me. If I think they would work, I swim through my skull laying on the bottom of my tank and wiggle my tail. If not, I float to the top. It's really hot up there with the lamp, so I hope he gets some new lines soon. This weekend's assortment have been "You look great in shiny, orange shorts", "Would you like a job at an airport?" and "How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?". I don't know if he says the shiny orange shorts line to flatter me personally or not. I always give him a skull lap for that one.

One of the interesting things about living with Bill is all the friends that come over. Most recently, he has this girl there who is very sweet. I want her to practice lines on me, too. It is Bill's job to show her that all men aren't pigs. If anyone can show her how noble the male gender is, it is my man Bill. I like her a lot better then his last guest, Entourage. I didn't like how he treated Bill's stiff girlfriend when Bill was asleep.

The reason for this letter Gnus, is to ask for your help with my friend Bill during football season. He tends to get a little rowdy. With up to 4 days of football every week, we are having more and more sleepovers. I especially hate it when he watches the game here. I don't like to drink beer but he insists on letting me "celebrate" with him if no friends are here. And heaven forbid if his team is playing a "fish" team like the Dolphins. He goes temporarily insane. He keeps pointing his fingers at me and saying "Culpepper you suck!". I don't know how he can forget my name after all this time.

I am hoping that you can watch the games with him sometime so we can just have a nice quiet sleepover when he returns. How about Monday, October 2nd at Mandango's on Fulton. Packers vs. Eagles. Game time is 5:30.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Goldie

It's a Beautiful Night

A lot has happened in the world of the Bad Gnus since this reporter has opined on the events. The Gnus had actually crawled back to .500 at 3-3. The league was talking about the Gnus. This time it was actually good things. Sure, there were still comments about the tye dye, our constant player whoring and Pete's ponytail hat. But this time there was a buzz that the cool dudes in cool shirts with the cool beer sponsorship had some hot skills. Luckily, we were able to quickly put a stop to all of that nonsense.

Surprisingly, the injuries that we had endured has not hampered us. Erik's been playing with a cast on this hand. Pete played with a foot the size and color of Shrek's. Doug Hart... Well, Doug's going to be healthy in the spring. Fall youth sports have crept in and made the roster less predictable. Between soccer and the nurturing of the future second baseman for your Sacramento River Cats, Jared Rebensdorf, many Papa Gnus have missed time.

Tangent alert: We may need to start thinking about a different last name if JReb is going to take a step to the show. Something with an "ez" at the end of it like Rebenez, perhaps. I know my business career took off after I changed my last name from Oxard.

So five straight losses, led us into a game on a beautiful fall evening against of talented T-Sox team that the Gnus edged in their first meeting. After setting batting orders based on order of appearance to the field and alphabetical order in previous weeks, the manager went with the longest lasting Gnus. Some may cynically say that is the only way Mike could bat first. Fastest, no. Best hitter, no. Tallest, no. Youngest, no. Founder, yes! Sadly, batting clean up on the team was a guy who joined us last year.

The Gnus learned a lesson about the loyalty of whores as our #1 "player of the evening" left during warmups to play on the other team. That left the Gnus with 9 players against the T-Sox' 10. It didn't matter in the first inning as the beautifully constructed lineup resulted in the Gnus batting around, but stranding the bases loaded. The defense came to play and put the T-Sox down 1-2-3 in the bottom of the first. The next few innings resulted in much of the same hard hit balls by the Gnus and stranding runners on the bases. The T-Sox, especially their third baseman, continued to field hard hit balls and make clutch outs. After 4 innings the score was 6-2 and it seemed like it was 16-2.

Slowly, the T-Sox pulled closer and closer to the lead. The Gnus had tired of all the baserunning and were going to rest on their laurels and get ready to crack some beers. In the 6th inning, with the sun below the horizon, the T-Sox pulled within one run. The umpire said there was time for one more inning, but forgot to tell our bats. After another quiet inning, the Gnus had a one run cushion to protect. After a lead off single, the Bad Gnus turned in the Defensive Play of the game. A simple two hopper to third turned into a double play of a fast runner because of the wonderful pivot by Bill Moebs at second. That was the second double play of the game that Bill turned from a grounder to third. This one looked like it would seal the game. Way to go Bill!

Two outs in the bottom of the last inning and the last batter on the T-Sox at the plate looked promising. But after a walk, the top of the order put together consecutive singles to tie the game before Sean, in his second game with the Gnus hauled in another nice catch in right field to force extra innings.

In the eighth, the Bad Gnus bats came alive again, scoring 3 runs before Mike could end the inning with a bases loaded double play to the third baseman. No fair putting their best fielder at the only place I can hit the ball! In the bottom half, the T-Sox threatened after one guy put one to the tennis courts for our second rule aided hit that prohibited a home run. But the T-Sox were only able to put one across, giving the Bad Gnus an excellent 9-7 win over a quality opponent.

The Samuel Adams Player of the Game was down to two people. Howard Hughes was back! He was hitting everywhere. Taking extra bases including a very important extra base in the last inning as a pinch runner for Bill. He was the first run in that key inning. One of our smaller fans at the game, Ted Giberson, was overheard saying "Dad, he's just like Ichiro". He is just Ichiro - runs down balls in the outfield, cannon arm, basehits every time up and a limited command of the English language. However, the award this week goes to Bill Moebs. Sporting the tye dye for the first time prompted Bill to put in his best effort with the Gnus. He had 3 solid hits and played and flawless second base, including the defensive play of the game. Great game, Bill.

It was nice to play so well near the very end of the season. We only made one error and up and down the order people were hitting the ball hard. The last game of the season is Monday at 5:15 (!!!) Please be there and help Bill finish some Sammies. What we don't drink, he will have to, so let's do Bill a solid.