A Letter from Bill Appleton's Goldfish

Hi Bad Gnus,

I'm Goldie, Bill Appleton's goldfish. I thought I'd send you all a letter as the long winter of the Bad Gnus offseason is upon us. First off, I don't want you to think that my human Bill lacked creativity and named me after my species. Bill is a very bright human who is well read. He named me after his favorite downtown bookstore. It is a special place for him is that is where he met his girlfriend. She never says very much but she always sits stiffly on the couch over there with her mouth open.

Overall, it is very cool being Bill's goldfish. He comes and goes a lot so he walks by and taps on the tank every time he heads out the door. Usually when he comes back he just falls asleep right on the floor in front of me instead of going to his bedroom. He doesn't take off his clothes or shoes or anything. I love it when we have sleepovers! Sometimes they're kind of smelly in the morning though.

I like it when he practices pickup lines on me. If I think they would work, I swim through my skull laying on the bottom of my tank and wiggle my tail. If not, I float to the top. It's really hot up there with the lamp, so I hope he gets some new lines soon. This weekend's assortment have been "You look great in shiny, orange shorts", "Would you like a job at an airport?" and "How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?". I don't know if he says the shiny orange shorts line to flatter me personally or not. I always give him a skull lap for that one.

One of the interesting things about living with Bill is all the friends that come over. Most recently, he has this girl there who is very sweet. I want her to practice lines on me, too. It is Bill's job to show her that all men aren't pigs. If anyone can show her how noble the male gender is, it is my man Bill. I like her a lot better then his last guest, Entourage. I didn't like how he treated Bill's stiff girlfriend when Bill was asleep.

The reason for this letter Gnus, is to ask for your help with my friend Bill during football season. He tends to get a little rowdy. With up to 4 days of football every week, we are having more and more sleepovers. I especially hate it when he watches the game here. I don't like to drink beer but he insists on letting me "celebrate" with him if no friends are here. And heaven forbid if his team is playing a "fish" team like the Dolphins. He goes temporarily insane. He keeps pointing his fingers at me and saying "Culpepper you suck!". I don't know how he can forget my name after all this time.

I am hoping that you can watch the games with him sometime so we can just have a nice quiet sleepover when he returns. How about Monday, October 2nd at Mandango's on Fulton. Packers vs. Eagles. Game time is 5:30.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Goldie