Sp-Hanked!

I don't remember being spanked very much as a child. I think I was. There's a good chance that it is locked up in some repressed memory in the huge mental closet full of things I'll never remember unless laying on a therapist's couch or being interrogated by the authorities. What I remember about being spanked isn't the physical pain on my healthy, bulbous buttocks, but the shame and disappointment I felt about myself. I know I likely deserved the beating and there is not one thing that can really be taken from it as a positive.

Fast forward 35 years to a beautiful summer night in Arden Park. The beers were cooling in the ice chest, the Bad Gnus had plenty of players at game time and friendly banter had already begun with the Father's of Arden Park softball. (Side note, it is much better to be the Father's of Arden Park than the Mother's of Arden Park. That title is still vacant since the foreclosure of WIN Financials membership in the club.) It was a perfect night for the summer season to begin. Optimism was at a season high for the Bad Gnus.

The Hanks first batter, GT, started the game with a well struck ball that our fabulous shortstop Kirk Giberson, fielded oh-so-smoothly and snapped an effortless throw to first that looked great from my angle behind the plate. Sadly, it was a good 10 feet wide of Greg at first. When the next batter also found an infield glove to bounce a ball in and out of, the air had been let out of the optimistic rose-colored balloon that was floating in my imagination.

The Hanks are a veteran ball club. They have so many good hitters in their lineup, that giving them one extra out will come back on haunt you. The Bad Gnus had to have made 3 errors each inning for the first 3 innings. The Hanks also have that "Dad Strength" that cannot be explained. Ken Peterson runs like Ichiro out of the box, narrowly getting throw out on grounders to second. Another smaller, older gentleman smacked the ball over our outfielders heads. The Bad Gnus had been very bad children and reluctantly pulled down our pants and laid across the Hanks laps. The score after 3, Hanks 21, Bad Gnus 0.

The score had grown to 30-0 as the Bad Gnus came to bat in the bottom of the 7th. The Howard led off the inning with a blast over the centerfielder's head for a home run! No shutout! That blast nearly gave Howard the Newcastle Player of the Game honor. Howard also played nearly flawless defense, with the only ball that dropped out of his glove coming after he made a remarkable play to even take a stab at it. No one else would have even touched it.

Alas, Howard doesn't get the Gnu of the Game this week. That honor goes to Greg's daughter Maddie. This adorable girl showed up in homemade Bad Gnus shirt, skirt and headband, complete with the "20" which signifies our run total for the Spring Season. She watched the entire game standing at the fence cheering on her dad and his friends despite the avalanche of disappointment we relentlessly caused. Maddie even had handmade signs to hold up. She may have cheered the loudest of everyone when Howard broke up the shutout, long after Howard's own kids had given up on him and most Gnus players had stopped watching.

The Bad Gnus were embarrassed in every way possible during our 30-1 beating at the hands of the Hanks, but seeing her smile and enthusiasm even after something so discouraging brought home the sweetness that is playing a recreation game at a local park with our friends in front of our supportive families. Congratulations, Maddie, you are the Thomas Kemper Root Beer Gnu of the Game for making us smile and giving something positive out of our spanking.

Bad Gnus Playoffs Begin! (and end)

The first Bad Gnus playoff game of the year took place on Monday night against the third seeded Long Islanders. I never think much about The Long Islanders. I always think of them as a .500 team that we have a 50/50 chance of beating on every other night. And I think about how a Long Island Ice Tea is cold and sneaky. Tastes so good, especially on a warm day, then wham! It was a beautiful and warm, early summer night and the Bad Gnus were thirsty.

Many Bad Gnus were at Valley Oak participating in the never-ending Arden Little League season. Caldy and I made sure that we would not have that kind of conflict as we coached our little league team to the ground early.

The Big Sexy was excited to make his return to the diamond. It had been a couple of months since he shocked the league by hitting three straight balls to centerfield for hits. The was 2 more than his career high. Clearly, something was wrong and he immediately had knee surgery after the game.

In true Bad Gnus Spring Season fashion, we borrowed a player to round out our 10. The good news is that he played flawless defense. Unfortunately, we only borrowed one player. The Gnus handled the ball on defense a bit like Robin Williams handling Flubber. There were at least 5 errors in the first inning, as balls just bounced out of gloves. This was followed by a few the next inning. In games that Bad Gnus play solid defense, we are competitive. In games with we don't, Na-nu Na-nu. After 2 complete innings, the Gnus had sent 8 guys to the plate. The Long Islanders had scored a cold and sneaky 18 runs.

After an 18-0 deficit, the Gnus started trying to win each inning. Over the next four innings, the Bad Gnus won 2, tied 1 and lost 1. Not bad! Clayton unleashed his whooping stick for a 3 run home run to spark the otherwise listless offense. That was good enough to earn him Newcastle player of the game despite his .000 fielding percentage. What can I say, guys dig the long ball. After the team warmed up, many players started to get hits. Cleanup hitter John mixed in line drive hits and bloop hits to keep the defense off balance. Erik was hitting crazy grounders that the Islanders just could not field. Clayton kept hitting.

During the rest of the game, the defense got significantly better, as well. In the last inning the Gnus brought the tying run to the plate with the bases loaded. Of course, that batter would have had to batted all the way around to be the tying run, but where there is hope... The final score ended 24-9.

That concludes Bad Gnus Spring Training! Now we are ready to start. Batting practice has been taken. Ice Chests will be filled. Honeys will be in the stands. Knees have been rehabbed. Shoulders have been thrown out and already healed. Watch out Arden Park, the Bad Gnus are ready for our 50 days of summer!