A Message from Clayton's Best Friend (Book Club Update)

Oy! I'm Clayton's English Bulldog, Beckham. Nothing I love more than a game of footy. I remember the first time Clayton said he was having some of the blokes over for some football. I was thinking how ace that would be! I even stopped chewing the corner of the coffee table for a few days. Next thing I know, Clayton's getting all pissed and he puts a green shirt on me, the flippin git. Then we are watching these oversized, steroid freaks trying to kill each other between beer commercials.

So I hears now you fancy lads are thinkin' of getting a little "soccer" on. A little lady-like for my taste. Going inside and playing on a half field. Don't get your knickers soiled, Nancy. You fat pieces of crap! I hear soccer and I immediately think of that sweet smelling cheese that grows in Clayton's trainers and tube socks when he gets back from playing basketball. Bloody hell, that funk really makes my nose curl up.

I hear the date has moved around a little bit. The new date is TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17. Here is timetable for the evenings festivites:

5:30 Games begin. May the good Lord be with you. All you benders will meet at Off the Wall on South Watt. Google Map it, yourself. My paws are too fat to help you out there. Be prepared to drop 15-20 quid on Pete when you get there. This ain't free.

7:30 The games thankfully end. Jimmy won't be there to burst any more tendons, but that doesn't mean some of you chaps that aren't quite fit won't follow his book club lead and make Dr. John take you to Kaiser Emergency.

7:45 Take this sausage fest to Bisla's Sports Bar on Folsom Blvd behind Hornet Field. Those of you smart enough to join the gathering at this time will start the night there. Go on Folsom past Home Depot and under the freeway. It's on the left. Fancyapint? I know I would after watching two hours of knackered tossers with two left feet kick a ball off a wall. The Sacramento Kings game starts at 7:00. They should still be within 30 points at that time of the night. If you don't get too pissed, I suspect you all will end up at Longshot playing dice and playing awesome songs from bands like Art Brut, Arctic Monkeys and Queen on the juke until they flip on the lights and the cockroaches scurry. I plead with you, leave before the lights come on!

Last interesting fact... it is the Big Sexy's birthday on the 18th. I'm sure he'd like nothing more than all of his buggering blokes to get together to bring in another year in his remarkable life. And buy him a pint or two, the cheap bastard.

Cheers,

Beckham

The Book Club Returns!

Dust off the bookcase and stretch your achilles (achilli?), cuz it's back on playaz! It's been a long, hot summer without getting our collective ya-yas out. Our first event of this season of dark evenings, will be a glorious weeknight of indoor soccer. Many of us have been coaching or at least watching our youngin's play soccer every weekend for a couple of months. It's time for the big dogs to eat!

The details are still being finalized. We are looking at Tuesday, November 3 at Off the Wall on Watt. I'm sure we will be post gaming somewhere. I just wanted to save the date and share this excellent picture of Pete's college soccer days. Fair play!

Big Sexy Anchors Ahern in Victory

The Big Sexy got a call up to the big show on Tuesday night as he tagged along in a game with Spring League champion Ahern. Another example of it's not what you know but who you know, as B Diddy hooked me up with a game day call in. They even let me play third base all game. Sadly I weighed them down all game.

The opponent was the Beach Hut Bears. They are a nice group of young fellas along with their "bear" pitcher. They couldn't field a lick. I haven't seen that many errors since the previous night's Gnus game. I hit into three groundouts to the third baseman but reached base each time. Other Ahern's enjoyed the same fielding failures. Sadly, with all of the gift baserunners and extra outs, Ahern could not get on the board much. We should've scored much more. A common refrain as the Ahern boys recall their college years. I can remember one great hit Will had deep into right, but nothing else seemed too exciting. I hazard to guess that the Gnus win this game.

Not to make excuses... no, definitiely to make excuses, I didn't realize that I was wearing my spectacles until I took the field. I was not used to the applified vision. Thankfully, only one ball I thought was going into my glove was a foot wide of it. I'm sorry to report that BS did not represent the Gnus well.

The score was knotted at 4 heading into the 7th inning. That is when the Ahern Coors Light Player of the game, Mike Fitzgibbon stepped up to the plate. Mike has only played sparingly over the past few years. He's been showing up on the injury report as: Questionable (Old). You would not have known he missed a week as his singled sharply to center bringing the Big Sexy home with the go ahead run. Ahern added 3 more in the inning, providing plenty of cushion to procure the victory.

I would like to compliment Ahern on thier very refreshing, nicely stocked and organized ice chest! Also, there was no little kid trying to hit me up for a quarter every time I cracked a cold one. Convienently, all of the cans had a little blue mountain letting me know the beverage was cold. I'm not sure how I would've known otherwise. A big thank you to all the fellas for letting me crash their party. I always enjoy playing with this good group of guys. I'm looking forward to my league champions t-shirt!

Bad Gnus Enjoy Their Taste of the Rockies

The Bad Gnus dominated from start to finish in their most recent effort. I just wanted to see what that sentence looks like. It is not often that I can type that after a game against competent competition. The Silver Bullets are always a good challenge for the Gnus. They are a team that we feel we can beat, but they probably beat us in heartbreaking fashion more often than not.



Monday night the Gnus had solid offense up and down the order. That resulted in scoring in just about every inning. Usually the Bad Gnus like to save up all of their scoring aggresion for just one inning. Our Step-Howard, Greg Thomas, played left wonderfully in Daddy Howard's absence. He did hit into an out and I don't usually see that when I'm playing defense against him every week.

The Newcastle Player of the Game goes to Erik Grotte. Everytime Erik continued to get on base with a 4 X 4 night. He made a nice catch in the outfield and selflessly volunteered to play catcher for too many innings during the game. Stuart nearly took the honor this week. He made three excellent stabs on hard hit grounders and first and had two key hits. He came up just short as he did not wear his shirt to the game. My understanding is that we all wear our tye-dye to work on game days like high school football players rock their jerseys to school. Tell me I'm not wrong. I have to put up with so much crap from my co-workers...


Despite the strong showing and the approximately 11-6 victory, only one play actually stands out to me. The Bad Gnus have a deep respect for Scott Pettinato and would love to bring him to the team of peace and love. He has thus far rejected our advances. One of his many softball talents is his cannon arm in the outfield. Kirk tried to test this arm early in the game, before the Gnus pulled away. Scott came up throwing and deposited the ball somewhere near Watt Avenue. If he was trying to impress us with his arm strength at the expense of his softball talent, it was successful. There are some theories of what was actually going on there. Some thought he wrote his phone number on the ball and was tossing it to a jogger on La Sierra. Some thought he was trying to break a window at the Vujovich house. Others thought he just being doing so many 12 ounce curls lately that the ball felt like a marble in his manly arm. Either way, thanks for the making the game more enjoyable for us, Scott.


I appreciate the hat at the top of this post. But I thought the only time Coors Light was bottled it was in a plastic bottle and it was called Alhambra. I don't know if the bottle opener on the hat is actually needed. However, if any beer, and I mean any beer, wants to stock an ice chest for the Bad Gnus every week and cover our dues, I'll be open to listening. I was so spoiled back in the day when we had Sam Adams sponsor us for a year. What Appleton lacked in catching balls thrown to him as a first baseman, he more that made up for with that contribution to Bad Gnus history.


Worst 5 beers that people actually drink. I'm not talking about Old Milwaukee or Natty Light or whatever I bought for the CSUS Rugby keg. I mean stuff that when the barkeep points to the fellas and after I shout out "Newcastle", the next guy might pop this order out of his beer-hole.


5. Coors Light - This used to be much higher (lower?) on this list as it tastes like beer flavored water to me. However, I have learned to appreciate it in two very specific situations: 1. On a hot day when playing golf or softball or 2.When my ice chest is empty and the other team offers up a tasty Silver Bullet.

4. Guinness - I really want to love this beer. It just doesn't taste good to me. Too creamy? I do want to give big extra points to the Fox & Goose downtown. When ordered there, the thick foam has a shamrock in it! not sure how they pull that off and they're not telling me. Sometimes it's just better to believe in magical beer fairies. It is worth ordering just to appease my artistic side. Guinness also goes down smooth in an Irish Car Bomb, as far as I remember. People have told me I enjoyed it.

3. Fosters - Austrailian for Budweiser

2. Budweiser. I actually had Budweiser in London but it was a Czech beer and it tasted very good. Talk about a mind-f. American Bud tastes like ass. Bud Light tastes like a skinny ass. I'm sorry, I have a strong dislike for this beer.

1. Sierra Nevada. I want to like this beer. It's somewhat local. My buddy Kev hooked me up with one of those windbreaker shirts with the Sierra Nevada symbol and everything. I just can't drink it. It is far too hoppy and it just tears up my not-at-all fragile stomach. I'll eat fried jalapeno's dipped in pepper sauce, fish tacos on the streets of Ensenda and burritos from the sketchiest aluminum trucks in the city without problem. While those foods may use the intestinal car pool lane through my system, everyone enjoys the ride. Sierra Nevada makes me question my love of beer. Not to worry, I quickly shake myself back to reality.

Hanked!

I'm a big fan of moral victories. I'll take a victory anyway I can get it. In fact, if there is not actually a prize related to your victory you could do much worse than a moral one. It is so rare the Bad Gnus are linked to the word moral without the im preceding it.

Last year, we played the Hanks twice and both times lost twenty-something to one-something. Those are complete beat downs. I remember a game that they batted around before making an out in a game against us last year. This year the Bad Gnus have been playing much better. The first Hanks game this year, we shut them out for 7 innings but never could score ourselves. Having trouble scoring is a long standing problem for many of the Gnus, but we have not been hitting much lately either. Hey-o!

I've heard whispers that age may finally be catching up to the Hanks. Ok, it was me whispering it into my wish jar, but I still heard them. Well, that didn't seem to show this week. After two innings, the Bad Gnus trailed 10-2. I'm not going to reconstruct that clusterfielding of a defense we threw out there in the first two innings, but let's say the Hanks got a few extra outs.

In the third inning, Newcastle Player of the Game, Bill Moebs took over the hill. I was stunned he even made an appearance to the game during this busy time of year of his work. Thong modeling is at it's peak in the summer months... But right before game time he came strolling up. Not just strolling up but with walking in slow motion with trumpets blaring as he was carrying an ice chest. We decided to play defense for Bill. Not sure why we decided to revolt against Greg's pitching all the sudden. Maybe he looked too cool in his hipster glasses. Or maybe it is that we don't know how to react to a Bad Gnu who is not carrying a front porch under that tye-dye. Either way, the Hanks only got one more run the rest of the way. The Bad Gnus did finally rally. Key plays included Howard's long blast and NPOG Moobs going 3 X 3. But the Gnus came up short in the end, losing 11-9.

We were greeted this week by a large fan base of the Hanks women sitting on the Gnus side. And who could blame them for wanting to see all of that man-candy and wanting to sit in the shade. Well, maybe it was just the shade. They were nice enough to not only compliment this humble blog, but they tried to not laugh too hard at us during those first two innings. I'm not sure if we appreciated the slow, loud, sarcastic clap after we finally got three outs in the first inning. Soon enough, they shade shifted and they made way for the sexiest fan base in Arden Park.

The Hanks complimentary nature of this blog has now moved them into fourth place in my all-time list of Hanks, just edging out "ies".

1. Hank Hill
2. Henry Weinahardt's
3. Hank Aaron
4. The Hanks
5. Hankies

Next week brings a bye week, but do not miss the special summer book club edition of indoor softball! This is sure to be a hit. See you out there.

BOOM!

That was the one word exclamation point that the WIN Financial pitcher dropped loudly on the Bad Gnus in the top of the 7th inning Monday night as soon as he hit it. It exemplified just about everything about that game. That ball was absolutely smoked. It flew well over Howard's head. WIN hit more balls hard than I have ever seen at Arden Park. Not since Clayton took a knee to the groin during a Concert in the Park have balls been struck so squarely in this neighborhood.

But more telling, who yells"Boom!" when they hit the ball? A tool, that's who. This team is an all-star team of douchebaggery. There are so many things about them that I dislike. I don't mean that from the grouchy old man vista that I currently peer the world through. Bros like this have existed since the beginning of time. I've hated these clowns all my life.

WIN F is a perfect charicature of the 21st Century Bro. Sleeveless shirts? Check. Tattoos? Check. Backward hats? Check. Soul patches? Check? Raised pick up trucks? Check. One of my favorite moments of WIN-hating for me was watching two of them drive off in the raised-up, huge pick up trucks that hid their infant-sized twig and berries. If I had to guess what these knuckleheads drove around in, I would've said Hummer, but this would have been a close second. I didn't get a close enough look, but I bet there was a Nor Cal sticker in the window that replaced the Calvin pissing window sticker that was the Bro sticker for the 90's. I also enjoyed watching one of their gals wearing high heels and smoking a cig down the first base line while watching her man perform. She had to leave early, surely to get a good spot on the pole that evening. Can't wait till all the big tippers leave, can you Kayli.

About the game, it was a suck sandwich. The Bad Gnus stranded runner after runner in the first four innings. After a slow start to the WIN F bats, they started running Howard and Keith all over the tennis courts. The score was 15-2 after 4 innings. The game did seem to be over. However, the Bad Gnus always are a threat to run off a Bad Gnus inning. They put together two straight solid innings as everyone was getting on base up and down the order. After 6 innings, the score was 15-12.

There's actually a bit more to that. Looking back, some bad coaching may have hurt our chances. It was with two outs in the 5th with a runner on third, down 15-12 when the umpire said there was less than a minute left. I told Stuart to just swing at the first pitch where ever it was. If he got on and scored the run from third, we go for the win. If he gets out, we get another inning. Stuart has been pretty automatic this year with the bat and I should have had him take his time, do his thing and try to win it there. Stuart flew out, giving us another inning. That didn't turn out so well. WIN F punished the ball in the 7th, turning the game into a 24-12 route. So much for our streak of one run losses.

The Arden Park drug testing results have been returned. Surpisingly, only 3 WIN F players had artificial testosterone in their system. However, 7 had traces of Red Bull, 6 had evidence of Valtrex, 3 have been hitting the hippie lettuce and 1 had GHB. Must've had a sip of his date's vodka-cran the previous night. On the other side of the fence, the Bad Gnus has 10 with readable BAC's, 2 people with evidence of FloMax in the system and 1 with some nasty, gluten free beer in his system.

Next up, we welcome the newest team to the park. The generic "Softball Team". I might not have much to say there. Check back and find out.

Daddy Wins!

We have one more guest blogger this week. It is Kyle McDaniel, the son of the first guest blogger. Kyle is an adorable boy that will be going into the second grade next year. Kyle tore up T-Ball this spring and can't wait to get to the pitching machines next year. Here's what Kyle had to say...

Hi. I'm Kyle. Mr. Maves asked me to tell you about the Bad Gnus game from the other day. Here goes... Daddy and his friends took the field wearing their pretty, colorful shirts. I remember, one time, me and Scotty were at camp and we got to dip our shirts in all these colors. It was fun and messy! My sister, Karly told me not to dare get near her when I tried to give her a hug. She goes to Arden. When I get to be a big kid, I'm going to go to Arden too. Oh, Ok. Mr. Maves just said to get back to the game...

Daddy and his friends were doing very well but it was weird. They were playing a bunch of grandpas. I love my Grandpa! He has a big house and we watch television together. Sometimes he gives me candy. Sometimes he shows me pictures of Daddy when he was a little guy like me. One time Grandpa and me went on a long walk and he told me about what Daddy was like when he was my age. Ok, Mr. Maves, I'll tell you what else happened at the game...

I think the Bad Gnus won the game. My Daddy made a great play on defense and he hit a ball reeeeeeall far when he got to bat. My Daddy is the best player on the team! All the Bad Gnus were loud and laughing after the game. That big kid wasn't there to open all their sodas. I asked Karly when she thought we might go home. I don't think she heard me. She was busy texting. She has the coolest phone. It does a bunch of stuff and she puts all these fun ringtones on it. She told me if she catches me with it again she's going to chop my body up in little pieces and bury me all over the city. She gets lots of important phone calls. She said I can't be within 100 feet anytime she is talking on the phone. My sister is the awesomest! I can't wait until I have so many friends with so many important things to talk about. What's that, Mr. Maves? You sure you don't want me to tell you what else happened? Okey dokie. After while, Crocodile!

Bad Gnus Advance

The Bad Gnus took care of business and dominated Don't Panic, the Southwest Idaho State of the tourneyment, to set up a huge grduge match on Monday! Ahern has had their way with the Bad Gnus over the years, but this year they needed a late rally to get by the rejuvinated Gnus. Can't wait for the rematch. Since I was off watching my kin in some playoff baseball of their own, I missed the beat down, but guest blogger, Seanny Mac is in the house to tell you fools how it all went down. Here's his report...

There was a certain electricity in the Gnus dugout knowing it was a "win or go home" situation. Players could be heard humming "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins and commitments were quietly made among the bench that somebody would bring beer next week if we won this week.

As far as the game goes, it was a textbook game against the Don't Panic squad. A string of hits by us along with a bunch of bungled plays by them led to four to six runs per inning. Howard and Clayton seemed to be out running the bases quite a bit from what I remember, so I'd say they were the offensive stars.

Defensive was the strong suit for the Gnus once again. Couple of shoestring catches in the outfield along with some sweet middle infield double plays kept the Panic in their dugout loading their post game bongs. Indication of how badly we were placing whoop ass on them came when Seanny Mac actually played 3rd base for 2 innings. Out of risk of sounding like a blow hard I won't tell you about the backhanded stab at the line and whirling blind throw I made to punch out the runner at 2nd to snuff out what was the Panic's strongest attempt at a rally to get 2 runners on base in the same inning. But I digress.

In the end, the Gnus survived the play-in game coming out on top by about 20 or so runs. At the post game press conference (errr- beer under the tree) Gnus could be heard quoting Jim Mora, exclaiming "Playoffs?...Playoffs!...PLayoffs?" And there was much rejoicing.

Dog Sexy

Hello! I would like to introduce myself. I am Dog Sexy and I'm latest addition to the Maves family. After the failed adoption of Phuc Yu and Phuc Mi a couple years back on April Fools Day, Mike and Anna actually brought a new member of the family in - me!

I was living large! I was living in the country, chasing squirrels and wrestling with my 5 brothers. One day, all these people came in and played with me and my brothers. It was a good time. Next thing I know, I'm trapped in a car listening to Green Day for an hour and a half.

Once I got to the big city, I was called all sorts of things. I was Lucky for an hour. Then I was Digger for a half an hour. I was Sherlock for a while. I didn't like the hat and pipe they kept sticking in my mouth. Trust me, you don't want to stick anything in there unless you want my floppy mouth and little teeth to slobber all of it. I refused that name after I found out that was going to be my last name. My first name was No and my middle name sounded something like Sit. It didn't seem right how much laughter my masters got by saying my name and they wouldn't say it in front of all my little masters. They finally settled on Murphy but I'm not wearing that Cubs hat anymore. I'll chew it up I see it again.

By the way, how many little masters are there is this place? Every time I turn around there's a new one picking me up or playing with my fat feet. I thought I forgot to walk one day.

As you can see from my picture, I've got quite a long hangdown. You ladies didn't need to say that... I've got one on the other side of my head too. They are very useful for retaining water when I leave the water bowl. This pup gets thirsty! But let me tell you something about these long ears, I can hear everything! Everything is so noisy in my new life. Can't everyone just quiet down for a tick tock? I feel like I'm in a Sam Raimi movie. Every 60 seconds, I'm jumping out of my extra skin.

Anyway, after a week, I'm really settling in nicely. I really like this big yellow horse I'm living with. There's still so much more trouble to get into around here. So many toys left on the floor. So much floor that needs to be marked. So many places under the fence I can sneak through. Hope to see you guys out at the ballfield soon. Do your dawg a favor and leave a mitt laying around, will ya?

Summer Schedule!

UPDATED 6/23/09!!!

We're rolling with the punches here at the Bad Gnus International Headquarters. Arden Park has become a popular destination for softball teams. This has encouraged the powers that be to move to two leagues, one on Monday one on Tuesday. I was hoping to see where all the cool teams were going to play and play on that night. Next thing I know, there are two open spots on Monday for three returning teams and Tuesday is booked. Luckily, I got my shhh-act together in time to get us in the Monday league. The Silver Bullets did not! That sucks for them.

Here's the schedule. All games on Mondays. Let me know if there are any games you will miss based on your busy vacation schedules.

6/22 7:00 vs. Win Financial

6/29 BYE

7/06 6:00 vs. Softball Team (new team in town)

7/13 6:00 vs. Hanks

7/20 BYE - Good week to play vacation!

7/27 7:00 vs. Silver Bullets

8/03 7:00 vs. T-Sox

8/10 BYE

8/17 6:00 vs. Hanks

8/24 7:00 vs. T-Sox

8/31 6:00 vs. Silver Bullets

9/07 5:45 vs. WIN F (It's Labor Day! Also note time shift)

9/14 BYE

9/21 5:30 vs. Softball Team

9/28 BYE (Seriously!)

YAWN... Gnus Lose a Thriller 1-0

Actually, I did think this game was exciting and it was certainly too quick for a nap. 35 minutes to play 8 innings! Sure, the Bad Gnus lost 1-0 in 8 innings. Not scoring yet making 24 outs against a 75 year old man who is throwing a ball underhand sounds a lot worse than it is. The Hanks have long been a powerhouse at Arden Park. And by long, I mean back when you had to take a ferry across the American River to shuttle your carriage to New Sutter Town south of the river. Nowadays, we can take our fancy motor cars on a bridge at 55 mph (or 10 mph depending on the time of day) but the Hanks still compete for the championship each year.

The Bad Gnus had several hits, they just were never in bunches. There was a runner every inning. The best chance was in the 7th. Teddy Ballgame took a walk! I couldn't believe it myself. When he was trotting down to first I didn't know if he was hit by the pitch or if there was catcher's interference. A walk didn't immediately compute. That was followed by a hit by Greg to put two runners on, no one out and the top of the order coming up. Unforturnately, The Gnus were not able to convert. Throughout the game, many balls were struck well but ended up in the leathery old mitts held by leathery old hands. I keed, I keed. Those guys can pick it!

On the other side of the ball, those Bad Gnus also put on an impressive display of fielding. The defensive lock down they put on was even more impressive considering three Gnus committed to play but didn't show. WTF?! Teen Sexy came off the bench and played catcher wearing tennis shoes and using Erik's son's old baseball glove. That left a three person outfield against a team that usually puts up 20 runs on the Gnus. I can't even remember all of the spectacular plays. The Pyramid Defense Play of the Day was John's super sliding catch in centerfield. It was beautiful. All three of the outfielders were chasing down balls all over the field. Adding to that was the double play combo of Kirk and Tuesday Ted. Both made slick plays all game long. It was the best D I've ever seen from the swirling blue of the Gnus.

The lone run of the game was the result of a triple that one of the older guys on the Hanks yanked over John's head for a one out triple. Dude was flying around the bases! Those couldn't have been his original hips. But holding the Hanks to one run with three outfielders was a very impressive feat. Good job, Bad Gnus!

Newcastle Player of the Game, goes to Ted. As mentioned, he took a walk for the team to try to ignite a rally and make several nice plays at shortstop. He also made a big heads up play. When Barry Bonds strode to the plate he went from Shortstop to the deepest of Right-Centerfield in an extreme shift. He had him played perfectly and turned his blast into a 300 foot out. He went on to make the next two outs in the inning as well. Excellent game Ted. Enjoy the rockin' taste of a smooth Newcastle on me.

Gnus in the News

If you were to hear that a Bad Gnus player was prominently listed in the Sacramento Bee, you'd probably learn his middle name and his plea at his arraignment. Not so fast! Kirk Giberson's son Zach has a huge spread surrounding his musical abilities and accomplishments. Kirk should be very proud. Zack is a very talented musician and has a bright future. He is also a very nice guy. The article seems to give a large amount of the credit to his parents. Zach's mom must be very musically gifted!

http://www.sacbee.com/159/story/1890468.html


I would like to say that Jack Maves' parents deserve a lot of credit for his musical abilities on Guitar Hero. That boy can shred Through the Fire and Flames. Sadly, Green, Red, Blue, Green, Green is the only music I can read.

I know it has been a long time since this blog has made any noise. It's been a very busy time with little league, Anna's Birthday and the height of school work of the year. I hope to bore you with tales of the Gnus more frequently over the summer.

From what I hear, last week the Bad Gnus took it out on the poor guys on Don't Panic with something like a 24-3 beat down. That came after a big loss (18-11) to the new team in the park. The Bears. There is a bit of a discussion about The Bears. From all outside appearances they may be the boyfriends of all the girls that work at Beach Hut Deli. They had Beach Hut Deli shirts, many were very athletic while others are probably good conversationalists and most looked like they are worried about the upcoming finals at Sac State.

The wild card was their older, burly pitcher. He was bald, but had a beard and looks like he could be kept warm shirtless in the winter with his rich coat of man hair. I had somehow made it to 41 1/2 years old without hearing of the subset of the homosexual culture called Bears. I'm not going to mention him by name but one Gnu who was prominently mentioned earlier in this post told me about this group. I'm afraid to google it (nor will I google "Gay Divers", Pete), but apparently Bears refer to gay men who like their love interests to resemble the aforementioned pitcher. The pitcher was the only player to use the team name during the game, but I heard the pitcher repeatedly urge on the Bears while using such verbs as pound, slap and fondle. Needless to say, I went home after the game showered, shaved off my beard and waxed my back.

Coming up, the Gnus will have a chance to go back to back as they will play both June 1 and June 2. Make sure to stretch, boys!

Here are my shots from Gnus around the world. Pete "forgot" his Gnus shirt. I'm not buying it. Either way, we had a great time in Paris and London for Anna's 40th. Here's me with Notre Dame and Big Ben.

Bad Gnus, It's Last Calling

My problem with the new Ahern team name isn't that I dislike name changes. Though Candlestick will always be Candlestick and not 3Com and Teen Sexy will always be Matthew and not Matt. Last Call will always be Ahern to me. And that's not just when Bob Ahern plays on the shortstop side of second base when I weekly fly out to left.

My problem with the name "Last Call" is not that it can mean several different things. I'm a big fan of that kinda scene... It's that none of the ways it can be meant are happy. All of them suck.

The obvious "Last Call" is the kind at a bar. That ALWAYS sucks. I'm never happy about that. That's then followed by the lights coming on in the s-hole bar that I'm in and nobody needs to see the walls or the people there is good light. You can also say it has a baseball connotation, but the Last Call of a ball game is always the last out. I like playing softball. I'm not looking for the game to end and I certainly don't want it to be because our umpire needs to get to The Pink Triangle before happy hour ends. It could also mean it's the last time someone calls you. Unless you are talking about my alma mater always trying to suck another nickle out of me, people don't call me unless I like them. I don't want to think about a phone call being the last time I'm going to talk to someone.

I like the guys on Ahern. I don't think they suck at all. So I cannot find good vibes with that negative name. I don't want to think negative thoughts when I think of the Ahern name. We here at the Bad Gnus Name Generator have developed several new team names for them to try out.

a. B Diddy and the Funkybunch

b. Rural Jurors

c. Off Regularly (So I can have a headline of Bad Gnus Beat Off Regulary)

d. The Upper Deckers

e. If You Seek Amy

All of those make me smile. That's all I'm looking for in a team name when I think of my second favorite (a very distant second) Arden Park softball team.

Anywho, on to the game. Last year Ahern beat the Bad Gnus handlely a couple times. This year's Bad Gnus squad was out to keep this one close. We had several Gnus for the first time this season and we were missing the automatic hits Triple H always provides. So our offense was bound to struggle. And this reporter feels like he has some food poisioning from Tre on Saturday. (You can't be hung over for two days can you?)

This was a defensive stand-off. With the Bad Gnus playing very solid defense behind Greg's excellent pitching. With Erik Grotte providing all of the offense for the Gnus, they held a 3-1 lead going into the 6th inning. With two outs and nobody on, both Kirk and the Big Sexy missed relatively easy catches on line drives to put two runners on. Both of them had many several plays during the game to anchor the solid defensive effort. That was followed by a run scoring single to cut the lead to 3-2. The Bad Gnus failed to score going into the 7th, where GT hit a blooping, 2 run single to right to give Ahern the lead for the first time since the top of first inning.

The Bad Gnus had one more shot as John led off the inning with a solid single but another spectacular play by Masterlock Defensive Player of the Game, Eddie Shaldone, turned a hard hit ball into a double play. The Gnus were unable to score and lost their 2nd game of the year in the 7th inning, this time 4-3.

This is the first time that a player on another team has taken a post game award from the Bad Gnus, but Eddie deserved it. He made several super plays at third base taking away multiple hits. It didn't help that he brought his own cheering section. All of the future Good Gnus were hanging out playing wiffleball and couldn't give a spit about how their old men were doing on the field. Eddie's little league team was over their whooping it up. I know I've coached a couple of those kids before and I think they might have been booing me.

Eddie edged out Bill who made a great turn on a 5-3-2 double play at a key time of the game, made a tough throw from the third baseman look like a simple play and made a most indescribable catch. You really had to see the twisting body, flailing arms and dizzying route Bill took to the pop up behind first base to appreciate it. It was a very difficult catch and Bill made it for an important out. He didn't even come up bleeding after the play.

The Newcastle Player of the Game goes to Erik. He is straight stroking the ball right now. He's a line drive machine. We needed to find a way to get him up more often. An honorary NPoG goes out to the guys on Ahern who graciously shared their ice chest with several Gnus after the game. Not only were they generous, but there were surprisingly some good beers in the chest mingled with Brett's Coors Lights.

Little Sexy Makes Stage Debut

Thanks to the Bad Gnus who stuck around for Ryan's Arden Park stand up debut after the game on Monday. I wanted to share his Mariemont Talent Show performance with you. He's a little more shy then he was at the park after distributing beers. But he was clearly the best stand up comic at the talent show. Here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDNI96-LFrM

Bad Gnus Have Come to Play!

After several mediocre seasons in a row, the Bad Gnus have shown up to the Spring league ready to kick ass and take names. Or is it kick names and take ass? Either way there will be some names and ass involved.

The first game of the season started out slowly, but once the Bad Gnus put together a Gnu inning, they held the lead going into the last inning. Unfortunately, they were unable to hold the lead and lost to the Silver Bullets and their watered down, piss-water ice chest. I think the score was 8-7. It was well too many good beers ago to remember the details. The only thing I remember is that Howard never made an out and it was his homer in the top of the last inning that gave the Bad Gnus the lead. Howard takes the first Newcastle Player of the Game of the year!

A rain out saved the muscleheads from WIN Financial from further humiliation last week. First, their eyesore of a home sits unsold for over a year and I imagine they may be feeling the sting of the depressed capital markets more than most. On top of that, I'm sure the cost of Red Bulls and Creatine has only been going up. They would not have handled the beatdown we were sure to administer to them very well.

Last night, the Bad Gnus rose from the softball pergatory that they have been floating in and put together a breakout game against a tough Long Islanders squad. The night didn't start off too well for the Gnus. Greg was late for the game to ensure that he was properly fed before the game. I thought Greg always ate dinner at 4:30, so the 6:45 start time should not have been an issue.

That pressed relief pitcher, Doug Wormald into the starting role. I've created a whole "Wheel of Excuses" for what went wrong for Doug last night. Here's the choices: He didn't expect to pitch. It was the first time he's pitched in 8 months. The wind was really blowing hard. Those guys were just looking for walks. John C called a poor game from behind the plate. The Bengals suck. Let's give it a the wheel a spin... Actually, Doug is a very solid pitcher, but he clearly didn't have his stuff working last night. The Long Islanders also surrounded the walks by several hard hit balls. After the top of the first inning, the Gnus trailed 8-0.

Some teams would have thought that the game was over then. But the Bad Gnus have been the Bad Gnus for a long time. They have won games with larger deficits (I believe 14 at the Complex) and they have lost games with bigger leads. In the bottom of the second, a Bad Gnus inning blew in on the north wind and tied the game up at 8. After a couple of back and forth innings, the Bad Gnus came to bat trailing 14-13 as the sun was setting. The Gnus put up two runs to take a one run lead going into the last inning. The Long Islanders were unable to score, but there were 5 minutes left. The Gnus decided to waste the time by tacking on more runs. When time was called with the bases loaded, the final score was 19-14.

There were many, many offensive stars in this game and I'm sure I'll be missing someone. Newest Gnu Stuart Nelson had his second consecutive 3 hits game. We need to get some tie dye on that man. Kirk and Greg had a bunch of hits too. But what stood out for me was the beating both John C and Erik put on the ball all night. They each had multiple hits but they also went deep over the outfielders heads. The Gnus don't do that much. With the exception of the Newcastle Player of the Game, Howard.

Once again, Howard just smoked the ball all over the field. He was a triple away from the cycle and his homer this game was at another key point of the game. Howard must have an imaginary room in his house dedicated to storing all of his imaginary NPoG awards. On top of dominating on the field so far this season, he also dominated off of it. Check out his contribution to Gnus around the world from Cabo for his wife's 40th. (Be looking for the first Bad Gnu double shot around the world as Pete and I represent in Europe on Anna's 40th.) Don't be shy about sending me your travel pix!

There wasn't one defensive play that really stood out during the game, but Sean takes away the Defensive honors (Award Name to be determined) with several nice plays on fly balls during the game. He was covering all sorts or ground out there. From what I heard from Karen, he was getting all sorts of action all night. Take from that what you will.

Next game is Monday at 5:45 against Ahern, um I mean, Last Call. A win there will definitely announce our arrival. The Big Sexy will need a new keyboard after all the blogging that will take place after we bounce Last Call.

Bad Gnus Blog Endorsement - 5 Hour Energy

No, this is not an attempt to steal endorsement dollars from Braylon Edwards. Just because he can't hold on to a freaking ball and likely cost my fantasy football team a championship in the process, I not going to stop him from showing up on my TV at 2 in morning during the 1967 World Series on ESPN Classic. I'm just pimping a product I have tried and believe in.

My previous go-to energy drink, Rockstar, tastes like pomegranate juice that an alien took a piss in. But on the positive side, I felt like I could run through a wall about 20 minutes later. I was Superman on crack until I had to visit the little superheroes room and deposit my glowing urine into the porcelain chalice. However, I have enjoyed a very smooth ride back to Mikeville with my new mind adjuster.

To conduct my research, I have logged my time each hour on the half hour today. Below are the highlights...

12:30 Leave Luna Lounge after a most successful book club. Go home and annihilate a sleeve of Thin Mint cookies. Damn Girl Scouts.

5:30 Awake. Swear off future drinking on the first Monday of March ever again. Read sports page, take shower, make lunches for the boys.

6:30 Take Mom to Kaiser in Roseville. Wonder why Kaiser doesn't have a hospital in Sacramento she could go to.

8:30 Can't stop thinking how amazingly comfortable those hospital beds must be. Fail to hatch plan to feign sickness just to lie down.

10:30 Stare at my computer screen at work with my chin in my hand.

11:30 Extended "blink" leads to thoughts that I am actually riding a dolphin in the warm, blue waters of the Pacific... I decide to chug the 5 Hour Energy.

12:30 Not feeling jittery. Still think I can sleep under my desk, but decide to close Deadspin.com and start doing some work.

2:30 I have completed all of my boring accounting tasks and am checking my to-do list for what to attack next! However, I still feel like I should stay in my skin and I do not think I can fly.

4:30 Is it already 4:30? Sweet sassy molassy! I made some serious progress on my stack of stuff today.

5:30 Check ESPN.com to make sure that no sports news happened while I was working.

6:30 Make dinner for my loving wife and adoring boys.

9:30 Fall asleep on the couch next to an empty sleeve of Thin Mints. Damn Girl Scouts.

There you have it. A successful day, thanks in part to the wonders of 5 Hour Energy. Available at Walgreen's, Rite Aid and other high end drug stores.

Winter Book Club

Bouyed by my new-found patriotism and hope for our country and democracy as a whole during this glorious inauguration week, we are putting this month's book club activity to a vote! What is not up for discussion is the date. We will be doing this Thursday, February 5. Here are your three choices...

1) Bar Games Night - Trivia at Sacramento Brewing. Followed by Darts at Streets of London. Followed by 1-4-24 at Longshot. Will Mike Oxhard and The Fluffers hold off The Firm of Harry Dixon Cox in a battle of wits? Can we hit the dartboard enough to not get thrown out of a English pub? Will anyone be able to count to 24 by the time we get to the Longshot? All those answers and more could be uncovered.

2) Buzz Lightyear Night - Lazer Tag at either Country Club Lanes or Lasertag of Carmichael. Followed by Pizza at the Pizza Pit. Followed by drinks at the Luna Lounge. Lazer tag really is pretty kickass. I'd love to it without worrying about running over my son and their 8 year old friends. Ok, I don't know where the Pizza Pit is, but Wenelli's will take us after we work up an appetitte. See what I did there with Luna Lounge? What a better place to land the spaceship than a classy bar named after the moon?

3) Guitar Hero Night - Drive in a rented 15 person van to San Francisco to watch the Eagles of Death Metal in concert. EODM is a rockin', fun band. It's good, uptempo, boogie rock. Added bonus on this is we may be able to hookup with Tuesday Ted who is rumored to be heading down to this. Think how excited his wife would be if we all came flopping out of the Scooby Mobile wearing our tye dyed Gnus shirts!

There you have it. Get your votes in! I want a decision made by Super Sunday, people. Send me an e-mail to have you voice heard. God Bless the United States of America.

B.S. Awards - Beer of the Year

Those closest to me know that from time to time, I enjoy to quaff a frosty brew. Ok... just about all y'all know I drinks my fair share of beer. Combine my enjoyment of the brewers' majestic product with my near obsessive proclivity of making lists of my favorite things and you have the daddy of all B.S. Awards.

Me and beer had some good times in 2008... From my Easter Beer hunt to sampling Alaskan Amber while floating by a glacier, I can run a sappy montage of me and beer in my mind over a heartwarming melody. Before I start to cry, on to the list!

1. Newcastle - Always a stable at the top of the list. It never doesn't taste great. It is the standard to which all beers should set to achieve. I'm going to have one tonight to celebrate!

2. Fuller's London Pride - This is a special occasion beer for me. Very tasty. Even better (and more potent?) on tap at the Fox and Goose. Takes me back to walking the Strand in old Londontown.

3. Pale Moon from Blue Moon Brewing - Nice addition to the Blue Moon family. I enjoy a pale ale in the fall time and this one topped both Pyramid's Broken Rake and Sam Adams Octoberfest for me this year. And I love those two beers as well. The touch of orange in the taste I think put it over the top.

4. Sam Adams Light - I'm amazed how they can make a light beer this tasty. It is really a good, solid straight forward beer.

5. McMenamin's Ruby - This is the winner of the B.S. Award for vacation beer of year. A very tasty brew up in Portland. Sadly not available in bottles anywhere. Boo hoo. A hint of rasberry makes this ale stand out.

The rest of the top ten...

6. Pyramid Amberweisen on Tap

7. Sam Adams Octoberfest

8. Alaskan Amber

9. Blue Moon on Tap

10. Dos Equis Amber

In order to celebrate the B.S. Awards I will be putting togehter a group of 6 people and get a sixer of each of these and has a little taste test. Date of this extravanganza is TBA.

B.S. Awards - I Like To Watch Division

I like to think of myself as an active, busy guy. I'm always running around after my kids; I like to be outside; I'm constantly battling the losing battle against my house's state of disrepair. I wish that I could ever finish a project instead of having multiple, half completed projects laying around. But I've accepted that as one of my many, many shortcomings. What I have recently accepted is that I like to sit on my generous backside and let people entertain me. I love movies and this year I saw many. Thanks to TiVo, I can now also watch TV shows when I want to. TiVo is only slightly below the ipod as best device invented in my childrens' lifetimes. I will save my top five of those for a future discussion...

First, I will talk about movies. As with all art, movies are subjective to the viewer. I may be in a hyper mood and not enjoy a deeper movie. I may be a little grumpy and a slapstick comedy will seem sophomoric. The following list takes into account my personal attitude when seeing it. It is the 5 most enjoyable movies I saw this year.

1. Burn After Reading - I typically love me a Coen brothers movie and I was very much looking forward to this one. Usually that is a set up for a cinematic disappointment. But not so! Last year's No Country for Old Men was chilling. Anton Chigurh is one of movies all time bad guys. This movie was just fun. There was a very unexpected twist and the pace of the movie was quick. It got somewhat mixed reviews, but "they" didn't ask me. I thought it was super.

2. Slumdog Millionaire - This was the best "serious" movie I saw last year. Slumdog nearly knocked the Coen brothers off the top spot. It was very well done and took me on a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly I think I took from the movie to not live in India. I guess I had already made that decision earlier in my life. Telling you the outline of plot makes it seem uninteresting, but believe me, it is really well done. I laughed. I cried. I winced. I cheered. It is about a poor kid that gets on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire and makes it to the final question. This should win some awards this spring. I bet it takes home the Golden Globe for starters.

3. Role Models - Ok... this is one of those silly adult male movies that have been a bit overplayed with the huge success of Wedding Planners and 40 Year Old Virgin. Those kind of movies have to have a hip name by now, but I don't know of it... Dude Flix? Bro-vies? Man Candy? Whatev... I laughed and I laughed hard when I saw Role Models. It is really funny. Rent this so you can back up and hear the line you missed because you were laughing at the previous line. Of course, if you are all pissed off at the world when you see this, you will wonder what the heck I found so amusing. But if you are that grumpy, you'll think the Slumdog is a whiny, cheater who should just get you some tea and pipe down.

4. Tropic Thunder - This was another very funny movie. I clearly thought this was a year for the comedy... I was a little nervous that this was going to look funnier than it was but I am happy to report that was not what I found. I like to look for situations where I can say "Pump the brakes, son."

5. Juno - If you wanted to see this, you have already seen this. It came out in time for last year's awards, but I didn't see until this year and it was very good and hung around all year for the Top Five. Not much more to say about that here, Homeslice.

The next five, in no particular order, are Get Smart, Kung Fu Panda, Spiderwick Chronicles, Indiana Jones and the Obnoxiously Long Title and Snow Angels. Well, I guess in that order.

Now onto the small screen... the boob tube... the idiot box... the babysitter... Whatever you want to call it, it is my favorite household appliance. If I were giving the choice between a roomful of beautiful, comfortable furniture and no tv and a stark, empty room with a tv in the corner, I'd say "Now I have more space to stretch out." I wish I could be one of those people whose life is so lively and together that they can honestly say that they don't watch tv. Maybe it is my 40 years of television history running through me, but I love to relax at the end of a busy day by flipping on the tube, plopping on the couch, releasing the day's stress and catch some tube. Or nod off.

Here's my Top Five things to watch on TV:

1. Sharks games

2. Dolphins games

3. Football games that involve a fantasy player on one of my teams.

4. Mariners games

5. Other football games

Finishing just outside of that top section are Sportscenter, Real Sports with Bryant Gumble, Playoff games in any sport and Project Runway.

Ok... here's my non-sports division...

1. 30 Rock - This show floors me! I was late to the party on this, but through the miracle of DVDs, I've caught up quite a bit. Very funny writing.

2. Curb Your Enthusiasm - Larry is wince-inducing in his humor. I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for him, abhor him or respect him. The show really makes me laugh and all ties back to a central theme throughout a season. Can't wait for the next one to start.

3. The Daily Show - Where else am I supposed to get my news? Saturday Night Live can't be trusted to be fair and unbalanced.

4. The Amazing Race - I have loved this reality game show for years. I am immune to any grief given to me about reality shows. It's competition. It's travel. It's personal drama. It's edited to take people out of context for my enjoyment. Winner! Being a contestant on this show is on my bucket list. Not to be confused with my phucket list. That list includes quiting my job to write a novel, cockpunching selected members of the Arden Little League board and eating a burrito for lunch everyday.

5. The Life and Times of Tim - This is a new animated comedy on HBO. Poor Tim's initial impulse is always correct, but he ends up making the worst decisions. He sounds a bit like Kirk Giberson to me. More for his inflection than the actions. Another hit for the stable of excellent shows from HBO.

My next five are Wipeout (fun to watch with the boys), How I Met Your Mother, Entourage, The Office and The Colbert Report.

There are my top mental escape vehicles. I'm looking forward to seeing your lists in the comments. Please join in!